Ted Hancock

 

JIM CARREY Film 'BRUCE ALMIGHTY' (2003) 23/05/2003 SSB4879 Allstar/UNIVERSAL ** WARNING** This photograph can only be reproduced by publications in conjuction with the promotion of the above film.

Rock Climbing

“BRUCE ALMIGHTY”
by Steve Koren & Mark O’Keefe
Rewrite by Steve Oedekerk
7/30/02

INT. KOWOLSKI’S BAKERY – KITCHEN – DAY

A news crew shuttles around a GIGANTIC COOKIE. Standing by
are the KOWOLSKI BROTHERS, GUSTOV and VOL, two SHORT, STOCKY,
MEN, along with MOTHER KOWOLSKI and other bakery family
employees. A “30 YEAR ANNIVERSARY” sign hangs in the
background.

BRUCE NOLAN looks into a make-up mirror, desperately trying
to place a large segment of wayward hair.

BRUCE
Oh, God, no! The hair’s wrong. This
is a bad sign.
(calling out)
We really need to get a make-up
person?!

The segment producer, ALLY LOMAN, steps over.

ALLY
Not in the budget. And not to worry,
you’re going to look great in this.

She holds out a HAIR NET.

BRUCE
A hair net? I’m not wearing a hair
net. I just did the hair.

ALLY
(matter of fact)
Health code. In the kitchen or around
the cookie, you gotta have it.

BRUCE
(to crew: re hair net)
You guy’s should tell me this before
hand, this is like a huge waste of…
moose.

Bruce spreads the hair net, bends down out of frame, comes
up looking ridiculous and very disgruntled.

BRUCE
Remind me to swing by an elementary
school after this and serve lunch.

Ally laughs.

ALLY
You’re a thing of beauty. In three,
two, one…

Bruce SNAPS from pissed to instant charismatic TV newsman.

(Note: Whenever Bruce speaks on camera he speaks in his
“REPORTER’S VOICE” — that recognizable, too-smooth delivery
that all news reporters seem to have. In mathematical terms
Bruce’s version is to the 7th power.)

BRUCE
For three decades the Kowolski Family
Bakery has been a mainstay in downtown
Buffalo. Known for their sinfully
rich, cream filled, deep fried polski
pierogis. And the occasional sugar
induced coma that follows. Today, in
honor of their 30 year anniversary,
Momma Kowolski and her sons Gustov
and Vol, decided to do something, a
little bit different. Tell me guys,
how did this idea come about?

GUSTOV
Well, Vol said to me, ‘Gustov, why
don’t we make the biggest chocolate
chip cookie in Buffalo?’ And I said,
‘Yeah, sure.’

BRUCE
Wow. Fascinating.

Bruce steps up to the HUGE COOKIE.

BRUCE
The previous Buffalo cookie record
was 3 feet, 17 inches baked by Gladys
Pelsnick. But this behemoth cookie
clearly proving that Gustov and Vol
have much more free time.

The Kowolski brothers and all celebrate in the background,
toasting with big mugs of milk. Bruce steps forward, looks
dramatically at camera, slow zoom in as he speaks.

BRUCE
As we witness the ceremonial toasting
with milk it makes one pause and
think. What are we really looking at
here? Is it just a big cookie or
does this cookie represent the pride
of Buffalo? Our dedicated and hard
working citizens the key ingredient,
with a few nuts thrown in.
(motions his eyes to
the Kowolski twins)
And finally, the love of our families
which provides the warm chewy center
making our beloved Buffalo the
sweetest place to live.

Camera is in CLOSE as Bruce signs-off.

BRUCE
And that’s the way the cookie
crumbles. I’m Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness
News.

Bruce’s hair net SLIPS UP, PUFFING HIS HAIR INTO A BUN ON
THE TOP OF HIS HEAD. The Kowolskis and bystanders all laugh.

The frame FREEZES.

We PULL BACK from the TV and find Bruce holding the remote,
watching the recorded spot on TV. We are now…

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Bruce is with his longtime girlfriend, GRACE. She has a box
of photos on the coffee table in front of her organizing
them into a photo album.

BRUCE
So, what do you think?

GRACE
It’s good.

BRUCE
It sucks. It’s a story about a cookie.
People with eating disorders will be
riveted,
(goes into huge
pathetic fan character)
Dear Bruce, love the bakery piece. I
can’t wait to vomit so I can make
room for more cookies.

GRACE
I thought it was funny. I love the
hair net. How’d you get it to do
that?

BRUCE
What? I’m cutting that. They made me
wear that stupid thing. I don’t even
look like myself. The hair is one of
the most important parts of an on
camera persona. Right out of the
gate, I lost the hair advantage.

Grace looks at a photo.

GRACE
Oh, my gosh, look at this one. My
sister is so drunk.

She places it in the album.

BRUCE
Grace. Try to stay focused here. I
need your help.

GRACE
Aren’t you taking this a little too
seriously?

BRUCE
It’s sweeps Grace. It is serious.
There’s an anchor job open. This is
important. This is our future!

Bruce points to the TV as he says “future,” not realizing
he’s pointing at the ridiculous image of himself with the
hair net bun. Grace can’t help but giggle.

GRACE
I’m sorry.

Bruce collapses into Grace’s arms like a child. He clearly
has a fragile temperament.

BRUCE
(sighs)
I’m never going to get anchor doing
these kind of assignments. I want my
work to matter.

GRACE
It does matter. You’re funny. You
make people smile. Come on, take a
break, help me put this album
together.

BRUCE
(reluctant)
Alright.

Grace holds up a photo.

GRACE
Oh look at this. It’s the first day
we moved in together.

It’s the two of them, younger, laughing.

BRUCE
(down)
Yeah, so full of hopes and dreams.

GRACE
Oh, here’s me at my sister’s wedding.
I caught the bouquet.

It’s a picture of Grace overpowering the other bridesmaids
for the bouquet.

BRUCE
You look pretty intense, hun.

GRACE
Well, I was thinking about you.

Grace cuddles into Bruce.

BRUCE
So, you’re attracted to me in some
way, is that what you’re trying to
say?

Grace rolls over onto Bruce.

GRACE
You have no idea.

BRUCE
I was saving myself for the wedding
night, but if you keep this up, I
may lose my resolve.

Grace stands, pulling Bruce up.

GRACE
Well, that’s the way the cookie
crumbles.

They kiss, stumbling toward the bedroom.

BRUCE
Hey, that’s a good line, but you
need more resonance. From the
diaphragm.
(newscaster voice)
That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

GRACE
Oh, say it again.

BRUCE
(bigger)
That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

GRACE
(sweet, southern
groupie)
Oh, I just love on-air personalities.

BRUCE
(newscaster voice)
Well then, let me take these clothes
off and slip into my hair net.

Grace laughs, Bruce joins in as they disappear into the
bedroom.

CUT TO:

A TELEVISION SCREEN

We see the INTRO FOR SIXTY MINUTES:

NEWS CLIP
I’m Ed Bradley, I’m Morely Safer,
and I’m —

LESLIE STAHL is HIT IN THE NECK WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART.

Her head wavers, then DROPS on the desk. The camera PANS to
BRUCE, who lowers a bamboo blow gun, cooly addresses camera.

BRUCE
…Bruce Nolan. And this is Sixty
Minutes.

THE SIXTY MINUTES TICKING CLOCK

DISSOLVE TO:

BRUCE’S ALARM CLOCK – IT RINGS

We are in…

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – MORNING

Bruce lies next to Grace with a big smile on his face. Grace
hits the alarm, rolls over snuggling close to Bruce.

GRACE
Sweety, time to get up…

She kisses Bruce, gets up.

BRUCE
No, I’m having a great dream.

The covers are RIPPED OUT OF FRAME. Bruce throws a mock hissy
fit.

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING

Bruce watches TV as he buttons his shirt.

SPORTSCASTER
…and the Sabers lost another close
one last night. Four to three to the
Toronto Maple Leafs.

BRUCE
Of course they lost, they’re my team.

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER

Bruce checks his hair in the mirror practicing his new
signoff.

BRUCE
“And that’s the way the cookie
crumbles.”
(calls to Grace)
You know, I think there might be
something to that cookie line. Every
great anchor has his own signature
sign-off.
(as Walter Cronkite)
“And that’s the way the cookie
crumbles.”

ANGLE – SAM

Peeing in the corner on the carpet.

BRUCE
Oh no! Grace, the dog!

GRACE (O.S.)
I’m in the shower!

BRUCE
Ah!

INT. APARTMENT STAIRCASE

Bruce runs along carrying the peeing Sam with extended arms
dodges a man ascending the stares, who gets sprinkled.

BRUCE
Whoops, sorry.

EXT. APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Bruce makes it outside, sets Sam down on the grass. Sam looks
up innocently at Bruce, finished.

BRUCE
Oh, you’re all done, huh? B-e-a-
utiful.

EXT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE – MORNING

Bruce pulls up in his Ford Taurus to a cluster of cars
unloading kids. A 2003 MERCEDES SRL passes by.

GRACE
Wow, nice car, huh?

BRUCE
Yeah, if you want to rub your success
in people’s faces.

Then Bruce notices a big medical van in front of the school
with a BLOOD DRIVE SIGN.

BRUCE
What’s with the hubbub?

GRACE
We’re having a blood drive.

BRUCE
Creepy. Needles, yech…

GRACE
Oh, that’s a nice response.

BRUCE
I mean, it’s just so…

GRACE
Helpful and life saving?

BRUCE
C’mon, that’s your… blood. It’s in
your body and I don’t think it’s
supposed to come out. Besides, they
stockpile that stuff. They have an
endless supply frozen in a warehouse
somewhere then tell everyone there’s
a shortage.

GRACE
They do not. Now stop it. I’m giving.
I have a very rare blood type, AB
positive.

BRUCE
Well, I’m IB positive. IB positive
they ain’t touchin’ me with no needle.

Grace sighs in exasperation, starts out when…

GRACE
(suddenly remembers
something)
Oh…

She places a STRING OF PRAYER BEADS on the rearview mirror.

BRUCE
What’s that?

GRACE
Prayer beads. The kids made ’em.
Keep you safe.

BRUCE
Well, I hope they work, cause it’s
going take a miracle to get me to
work on time.

EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY

Bruce is stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. He stares at the
prayer beads with a “thanks alot” look.

A big accident ahead. Bruce looks at his watch, he’s screwed.
A person is CARRIED BY ON A STRETCHER, Bruce is oblivious.

BRUCE
This is just my luck.

Bruce’s BEEPER sounds. He checks it.

BRUCE
The meeting’s starting, perfect…
(thinks)
Screw it.

He looks to the right of the car in front of him, then peels
off onto the shoulder, passing tons of cars.

BRUCE
(laughs)
Catch you later, lemmings! It’s kill
or be killed, only the strong survive,
no guts, no glory!

SFX: SIREN

Bruce pulls over, fumes.

BRUCE
(looking heavenward)
Thank you.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Bruce screeches into a space, races out of the car, bumping
over a trash can, goes back to pick it up, sees a HOMELESS
MAN who sits peacefully next to a paint bucket and sign
boards. The various “warnings” change daily. Today’s SIGN
reads:

R EWE BLIND?

Bruce looks at the sign quizzically for a beat, then continues
on.

INT. NEWSROOM – DAY

Bruce rushes through the newsroom, rounds a corner and runs
right into BOBBY, the endlessly yammering PASTRY CART GUY.

BOBBY
Bruce the goose! Morning, Buddy.
Don’t even move, I got somethin’
special today. My mom made it just
for you.

BRUCE
Well, that’s — Bobby, I gotta go —
I’m late…

BOBBY
(bending down)
You like Quiche?

He comes back up, proudly presents a slice of quiche.

BOBBY
You know, contrary to popular belief
the quiche was actually invented by
the Mayans, then stolen by the French.
They shoulda said, “Hey, that quiche
ain’t yours, it’s Mayan!”

Bobby belts out a laugh.

BRUCE
Bobby, I can’t, I -�

BOBBY
Just taste it, taste it…

Bobby shoves a bite into Bruce’s mouth. Bruce feigns liking
it with exasperation.

BRUCE
Mmm, delicious, I really gotta go.

BOBBY
That’s a buck seventy-five.

BRUCE
Can you get Kelly — Ahh…

Bruce tosses the thought, digs into his pocket, fishing for
cash.

BOBBY
(excited)
Oh, two o’clock, two o’clock, two-
ofive, two-ten…

Bruce glances over, annoyed but freezes at the sight of sexy
anchorwoman, SUSAN ORTEGA across the room.

BOBBY
Way out of our league, huh?

Bruce offers his money to Bobby.

BOBBY
You know, I saw them editing your
cookie piece.

BRUCE
Really?

BOBBY
They must have gotten high or
something, cause they was orderin’
everything, I had. Hey, how long
have you been interested in pastry?
‘Cause I’ve got an aunt who makes
baklava twenty layers deep.

BRUCE
(holding money out)
Bobby.

BOBBY
(gets a brilliant
idea)
Maybe you could do a story on her!

Bruce tosses the money on the cart, heads off.

BRUCE
Keep the change.

BOBBY
(calling after)
I’ll give her a call, we’ll talk
about it later!

INT. STAFF MEETING ROOM – DAY

ON THE MONITOR:

EVAN
Is something killing your kids? Find
out tonight at eleven.

Bruce looks at the sign quizzically for a beat, then continues
on.

IN THE ROOM

The morning meeting is well in progress. Leading the group
is the station manager and Bruce’s boss, JACK KELLER, 50’s,
a constant furrow in his brow.

Also in the room: Bruce’s fellow field reporter and rival
EVAN BAXTER, 30’s , a walking statement. Impeccable posture,
perfect speech, perfect everything and he knows it.

FRED DONOHUE, the ever jovial sports reporter; always tanned,
vain weatherman, DALLAS COLEMAN and segment producer Ally
Loman.

JACK
Okay, promos are approved, let’s -�

ALLY
Ah, isn’t that last one a little
misleading? I mean, the story’s about
flu shots. Do we have to scare people
to death?

EVAN
No, just into watching. Or I could
change it to: “Slow news day, come
yawn with us. At eleven.”

FRED
Sniffles at eleven is nice.

DALLAS
Attack of the killer sniffles?

ALLY
(to Dallas)
The tanning booth is starting to zap
your brain, you know that?

DALLAS
I don’t use a tanning booth.

A beat and they all crack up.

FRED
Come on. You’re turning orange.

EVAN
He looks Florida ripe to me…

More laughs.

JACK
I would have swore I already said
this, but promos are approved. Now
can we move on?

ALLY
Jack, shouldn’t the promos be focusing
on Pete’s retirement. This is his
last week.

EVAN
(leading)
Yeah, yeah. Any word on the open
anchor position, Jack?

JACK
Evan, you’ll know something when I
know something.

Bruce bursts into the room. The meeting stops. Jack doesn’t
need to say anything, he just looks at his watch.

BRUCE
Sorry, Jack. It wasn’t my fault. The
traffic was -� You guys already played
the spots?

JACK
Nice story, Bruce, but we’re going
with Evan’s piece on the sex scandal
at the mayor’s office for sweeps.

This hits Bruce hard. A beat of silence.

EVAN
And that’s the way the cookie
crumbles.

The others chuckle. Only Ally remains sympathetic.

EVAN
I’m just messin’ with you, Bruce.
See you’ve got to remember that the
news room is like a cookie…

More laughs.

BRUCE
(re: Evan’s perfect
posture)
That’s great Evan. Is you’re posture
naturally that good, or do you have
to shove a stick up there?

JACK
Okay, knock it off… Bruce we’re
holding your story in reserve. Now,
can we get back to the board so we
have something to air today?

Jack continues with assignments. Evan sits smugly, as Bruce
slides down into his chair, deflated.

INT. HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

Jack is at Bobby’s cart, paying for a sandwich. Bruce catches
up to him.

BRUCE
Jack, Jack, hey. Can I talk to you
for a second?

JACK
Sure, Bruce. What do you need?

BRUCE
Sweeps.

Jack takes his sandwich and leaves. Bobby leans to Bruce.

BOBBY
Don’t worry about it. I called my
aunt, we’re on.

Bruce looks at Bobby, continues after and catches Jack.

BRUCE
Look, Jack. Hear me out, I’m getting
desperate man, I am pushing forty
and what have I got to show for it?
The point is, I’ve hit some kind of
a ceiling here. Some kind of anti-
Bruce barrier. And Evan is just lovin’
it, by the way. He gets the good
stories, he gets on sweeps. Maybe I
have to be more like Evan.

JACK
You don’t want to be like Evan. Evan’s
an asshole.

BRUCE
I can be an asshole.

JACK
No, Bruce. You can’t.

Bruce thinks, then flips Jack’s sandwich plate over. It
scatters on the floor. Jack and Bruce stare at each other
for a beat.

JACK
Are you going to pick that up?

BRUCE
Yeah, I’m sorry.

Bruce bends down, starts picking up Jack’s food.

BRUCE
It’s just — this anchor position
looming, it’s gotten me nuts…

He hands the plate to Jack, as sexy anchorwoman SUSAN ORTEGA
saunters by.

JACK/BRUCE
Hi, Susan. Hi, Susan.

SUSAN ORTEGA
Hi, Jack.

Bruce blanches at this obvious snubbing.

JACK
Look, Bruce. You’re a good reporter.
You make people laugh. God knows
today we can use it.

Bruce slumps, he’s heard this a thousand times before.

JACK
(beat)
Alright, tell you what. It’s the
23rd anniversary of the Maid of the
Mist. I want you at Niagara Falls in
an hour.

BRUCE
Maid of the Mist. That’s always live.

JACK
Yep.

BRUCE
Evan gets the live feeds.

JACK
Well now you and Evan get the live
feeds.

BRUCE
I’m going live. In sweeps.

JACK
Yes, but watch yourself, Bruce. I’ve
seen your outtakes.

Bruce hugs Jack, pressing the sandwich against his chest.

BRUCE
Yes! You will not regret this, Jack.
(releases Jack)
I will not forget you when I go
national.

Bruce takes off, Jack looks down, peels the sandwich off his
chest. We hear children’s joyous SHRIEKS…

INT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE – DAY

A COUPLE DOZEN KIDS playing at Grace’s self-starter business,
a one room day care center filled with children and toys.

Grace turns, reacts.

GRACE
Martin, are you eating the glitter
again?

ON MARTIN – AN ADORABLE HISPANIC BOY

He shakes his head “no.”

GRACE
Martin. Open your mouth. Abra su
boca.

He does. His tongue sparkles with glitter.

GRACE
Oh, you’re not huh? Well, then you’ve
got a bad case of Liberace.

Grace’s sister, Debbie, enters. She’s wearing a nurse’s
outfit. Her youngest, ZOE, 3, runs over to greet her.

ZOE
Mommy!

GRACE
They didn’t teach you Spanish in
nursing school, did they?

DEBBIE
Well, it seemed like they were
speaking a foreign language sometimes,
but no. Problemo?

GRACE
Martin has decided to explore new
food groups.
(back to Martin)
Martin, this is for art. Like this.

She spreads paste on the paper, sprinkles glitter.

DEBBIE
Is it so wrong to tie them up?

GRACE
Deb -� Martin!

Martin is busted with the paste spreader stuck in his mouth.

Grace snatches it.

GRACE
Okay, go rinse your mouth with water.
Lave su boca. Go.
(to Debbie)
I swear that kid is going to poop an
ornament.

DEBBIE
(laughs)
You’re good with them, you know. You
should have some of your own.

GRACE
Don’t start…

DEBBIE
Free milk cow.

GRACE
Debbie, don’t call me that.

DEBBIE
If the moo fits.

The phone RINGS.

GRACE
Saved by the bell. Grab that for me,
will you?

Debbie does.

DEBBIE
Small Wonders Day Care.

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS – DAY

Bruce is on his cell phone, while the NEWS CREW races around,
setting up for the report. The FALLS ROAR behind him and the
Maid of the Mist sightseeing boat is in the b.g.

BRUCE
Grace?

INTERCUT DAY CARE AND FALLS

DEBBIE
(cheery)
No, it’s Debbie. The sister who’s
life you’re not wasting.

GRACE
Hey.

Grace GRABS THE PHONE.

DEBBIE
(feigns innocent)
What?

GRACE
Sorry, honey. My sister seems to
think she’s my mother. Where are
you?

BRUCE
(flying high)
Oh, A little place called the winners
circle. I’m at the Falls doing a
“live” report.

GRACE
Live? That’s great!

BRUCE
Yep, it’s happenin’, hun. I got sweeps
and I’m live. You know what that
means? They’re seeing if I can think
on my feet, like you might have to
do in a live news anchor situation.

GRACE
Oh, my gosh.

BRUCE
This is happening for us, Grace.
What we’ve always talked about. Jack
practically came out and told me.

Grace quickly switches gears. She experienced the premature
celebration before.

GRACE
Wait, what do you mean practically?

BRUCE
Well, he didn’t spell it out, but
this is exactly what happened to
Susan Ortega right before she was
bumped up to the desk.

GRACE
(being cautious)
I just want to make sure we’re not
getting too ahead of ourselves.

BRUCE
I totally agree, but in the mean
time you should start thinking about
what coast you want to live on.

Ally interrupts, indicating the time.

BRUCE
Oh, they’re calling me, I gotta go.

GRACE
Good luck, honey. I love you.

BRUCE
I love you.
(hangs up)

Debbie turns to Grace.

DEBBIE
Moooo.

GRACE
Stop it.

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS – MAID OF THE MIST BOAT – DAY

Ally hustles Bruce toward the bow of the boat, as he places
his ear piece.

ALLY
They want you close to the falls.

BRUCE
What for? I’ll get soaked.

ALLY
That’s the point. They want you to
hold up this.

She hands Bruce a very stupid looking, blue “falls” shaped
UMBRELLA with the MAID OF THE MIST INSIGNIA.

ALLY
Part of the condition of us getting
the exclusive.

Bruce takes the umbrella.

BRUCE
Lovely. Glad I wore my tap shoes.

ALLY
Remember, this is their 23rd
anniversary. Capacity is 59. They
cater to tourists, honeymooners…

BRUCE
And people who are insanely thirsty,
I get it.

ALLY
And you’ll be interviewing Irene
Dansfield…

She positions A VERY, VERY OLD WOMAN next to Bruce.

ALLY
…She rode on the maiden voyage
with her late husband. Okay, 90
seconds.

Bruce looks upward at the ridiculous umbrella. Mutters
encouragement to himself.

BRUCE
90 seconds, going live. Think anchor,
think dignity,
(glances up toward
umbrella)
Ignore umbrella. Just have fun.

CUT TO:

THE LIVE FEED IN THE CAMERA TRUCK AT THE FALLS

Some of the CREW MEMBERS watch the feed.

ON TV

Pete Fineman is reporting.

PETE FINEMAN
…but because of the fast response
by our local fire fighters, the toxic
chemicals were cleaned up without
incident. Susan.

The female co-anchor, SUSAN ORTEGA:

SUSAN
Bruce Nolan is standing by at Niagara
Falls with a report on the Maid of
the Mist sightseeing boat, but before
we go live to Bruce, we have an
announcement to make. As everyone
knows, after 33 years, our beloved
Pete Fineman is retiring.

Pete smiles a proud, heart-felt smile.

SUSAN
Pete’s shoes are virtually impossible
to fill, but the show must go on.
And we could think of no one better
than our very own Evan Baxter.

ON BRUCE

Listening to the feed. His FACE GOES WHITE. He stands in
shock.

Evan is seated next to Susan.

SUSAN
Congratulations, Evan. Looks like
we’ll be sitting side by side from
now on.

EVAN
Thanks, Susan. I’m thrilled and
honored. Like you said, no one can
replace the great Pete Fineman, but
I’ll do my best. I have to say I am
so proud to be a part of our local
community of Buffalo. I think a great
city is a lot like a great recipe
really. Put in some hard working
citizens, add some care givers, maybe
a few nuts…

The other news anchors and Evan himself chuckle at “his”
joke. Bruce listens on the feed, beyond stunned.

EVAN
All sprinkled with the strength and
love of our good families, that
ultimately creates a sweet place to
live. Thank you.

SUSAN
(touched)
Wow. That was amazing. And now let’s
go live to wacky Bruce Nolan out at
Niagara Falls.

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS – CONTINUOUS

Bruce stands like a deer in headlights, drenched, holding
the ridiculous umbrella. Ally signals Bruce he’s on. He stares
into camera, numb.

INT. SMALL WONDER DAY CARE – SAME TIME

The kids are gone. Grace watches the TV with a few other
teachers. She’s concerned.

GRACE
Talk honey, talk.

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jack rushes in, looking at Bruce on the monitor.

JACK
What’s going on?

DIRECTOR
We’ve got a Walt Disney.

CONSOLE OPERATOR
Frozen solid.

JACK
He may not have audio. Check his
feed, have Susan cover.

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Susan reacts to the message in her ear piece.

SUSAN
We may be having a bit of technical
difficulty…

Evan smiles in the background, clearly enjoying himself.

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

CONSOLE OPERATOR
Feed’s good, Jack.

JACK
Come on, Bruce, talk damnit… Okay,
get ready to pull the plug.

INT. SMALL WONDERS CARE – DAY

GRACE
Please baby, say something…

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS – CONTINUOUS

Like popping out of a coma, Bruce surges in. Surprisingly,
seems very up and fine.

BRUCE
Thank you, Susan. Bruce Nolan here
aboard the Maid of the Mist at Niagara
falls.

INT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE – CONTINUOUS

GRACE
Thank you, God.

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

JACK
(sighs relief)
Thank God.

Jack pats the Director’s shoulder, heads out of the room.

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS – CONTINUOUS

BRUCE
First off, I want to add another
congratulations to Evan Baxter. It’s
good to see what someone with real
talent can accomplish when great
opportunities are given to him instead
of me.
(still smiling)
Anyway, I’m here, I believe with
Katherine Hepburn’s mom. Tell me,
why did you toss the blue “heart of
the ocean” jewel over the railing of
Titanic?

The Old Woman doesn’t know what to say.

BRUCE
Did you feel guilty at all letting
Leonardo DeCaprio freeze, while you
were safe floating on the big door?
Do you think he would have survived
if you had taken turns, or were you
too afraid to freeze your big fat
ass off?

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jack rockets back into the room.

JACK
Did I just hear..?

BRUCE
Well, I guess that’s the way life
works, isn’t it? Some people are
drenched, freezing to death, on a
stupid boat, with a stupid umbrella…
(heaves the umbrella)
while others who aren’t fit to kiss
my willy, are sitting in a nice,
comfy news room, sucking up all the
glory.

INT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE – CONTINUOUS

GRACE
This isn’t happening. This isn’t
happening…

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS – CONTINUOUS

Bruce takes off walking, the camera follows.

BRUCE
Now, lets speak to the owner. Come
on in here, Bill.

Bill shakes his head “NO” as Bruce pulls him into frame.

BRUCE
Bill, you’ve been running the Maid
of the Mist for 23 years. Tell me,
why do you think I didn’t get the
anchor job?

BILL
Hey, man, I don’t want any -�

BRUCE
Do you think it’s my hair?
(Bruce messes his
hair like crazy)
Maybe my teeth aren’t white enough?
Or like the great falls, is the
bedrock of my life slowly eroding
underneath me.
(moving closer to
camera, to an inch
away)
Eroding. Erroooding. Errodiiiing…

INT. NEWS ROOM – DAY

All work has stopped. Stunned staffers stare at the monitor.

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jack stands with his jaw dropped, snaps out of it.

JACK
Alright, cut the feed! Cut to black
if you have to.

CONTROL BOOTH OPERATOR
I’m on it.

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS – CONTINUOUS

Bruce is now licking the camera lens. He steps back and signs-
off. Smooth as silk.

BRUCE
I’m Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness news.
Back to you fuckers.

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Susan Ortega stares frozen blankly into camera.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY

Bruce is TOSSED OUT THE FRONT DOORS, his box of possessions
spilling on the ground. Bruce FLAILS at the building.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Bruce carries his box to his car, when he HEARS A NOISE.

A street GANG is hassling the HOMELESS SIGN GUY. Pushing him
around, breaking and painting over his signs.

Instinctively, Bruce walks over.

BRUCE
Hey, come on guys. What are you doin’?
Just leave him alone.

They turn, look at Bruce, laugh and head off. Bruce helps
the Sign Guy up, looks after the Gang.

BRUCE
Yeah, you’d better keep walkin’.

They stop cold, turn back to Bruce and CHARGE AT HIM. Bruce
attempts to run, but they leap on him in a big dog pile,
swinging and kicking.

Bruce is left with a bloody lip, lying beside his car. We
hear the sound of smashing glass and scratching metal and
the gang running off. Bruce slowly gets up.

Reveal Bruce’s car, WINDOW’S SMASHED, PAINT SCRAPED and the
word “HERO” KEY SCRATCHED ON THE DOOR.

BRUCE
B-e-a-utiful.
(looks up)
Just what you get for trying to help
someone.

Bruce gets in, pulls out of the parking lot passing the
Homeless Man who sits beaten up holding a scrawled out sign

“LIFE IS JUST”

BRUCE
Get a clue, buddy.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Bruce is pacing, holding an ICE PACK to his swollen lip.

GRACE
Thank God you’re alright.

BRUCE
God, yeah. Let’s thank God. Thanks
for everything, Lord. I am so honored
that my horrible demise is a part of
your loving and mysterious plan.

GRACE
Bruce, don’t talk like that.

BRUCE
Oh, don’t worry, he’s not listening.
If he is he doesn’t care. Have you
seen the news lately? We got gangs,
we got drugs, we got corruption.
What kind of God lets that happen?
Every time we cure a disease he comes
up with a new one!
(goes into God
character)
Yeah, is this the lab? Yeah, it’s
God. They’ve just come up with a
treatment for syphilis down there. I
think it’s time to release the tainted
monkey. Oh, and there’s a guy in
Ohio who’s praying for strength and
wisdom, blind him and cut off his
legs.

GRACE
So God is torturing us?

BRUCE
Think about it, Grace. God is all-
powerful He could fix everything in
five minutes if he wanted to. But he
doesn’t want to. He doesn’t like me.

Sam starts PEEING ON THE RUG.

BRUCE
Oh, Perfect!
(to the dog)
But you’re aim isn’t so good, I’m
over here!

GRACE
Bruce, please. This isn’t his fault.

BRUCE
Of course not.
(hushed tone)
It’s part of the mysterious plan.

Grace puts Sam outside. Returns, trying to calm Bruce.

GRACE
Honey, you’re mad right now. It’s
understandable. And what Evan did
was slimy and wrong. But your job
doesn’t matter to me. You matter to
me. You could’ve really been hurt.
I’m just glad you’re okay.

BRUCE
Okay? News flash: I’m not okay. And
I’m not okay with the fact that you
think everything is okay. I’m not
okay with a mediocre job. I’m not
okay with a mediocre apartment. I’m
not okay with a mediocre LIFE!

Bruce angrily swipes at the table knocking the photos and
the photo albums to floor.

GRACE
Is that what you have, Bruce? A
mediocre life? Well, I’m sorry for
being a piece in your mediocre puzzle.

BRUCE
Terrific. I’m drowning and you throw
me a brick!

Grace starts to cry.

BRUCE
Perfect! I’ll have the worst day of
my life with a side order of guilt,
please. I -� I don’t need this.

Bruce grabs his keys and heads out.

INT. CAR – NIGHT

It’s RAINING now. Bruce drives, going nowhere in particular.

His frustration is turning to desperation.

BRUCE
Okay, God. You want me to talk to
you? Then talk back. Tell me what’s
going on? What should I do? Give me
a sign…

Bruce passes a BLINKING YELLOW CAUTION LIGHT, doesn’t
notice…

BRUCE
I’m right here. Speak to me.

A PEDESTRIAN stepping into the crosswalk, steps back out of
the way.

PEDESTRIAN
SLOW DOWN, ASSHOLE!

Bruce is oblivious.

BRUCE
All I need is some guidance. Please
send me a signal.

A TRUCK TRANSPORTING VARIOUS ROAD SIGNS pulls in front of
Bruce. Four ways, blinking. The varied signs read: Yield,
Wrong Way, Dead End, Do Not Enter, Stop.

BRUCE
Oh well, I guess you don’t care.

Bruce spots the PRAYER BEADS hanging on the rearview mirror.

BRUCE
Okay, we’ll do it your way.
(pulls the beads from
the mirror)
Lord, I need a miracle. Please help
me.

He hits a bump and the BEADS DROP TO THE FLOOR. Bruce reaches
down, fishes for the beads…

BRUCE
Come on, where’d you go?
(holds them up in
triumph)
Ah ha! AHHH!

And BAM!!! BRUCE’S CAR SLAMS INTO A LIGHT POST.

EXT. STREET – LAKE EERIE – CONTINUOUS

Bruce stumbles out, surveys his demolished car, then looks
at the beads in his hands. He begins to laugh maniacally.

He spots the lake, starts running toward it like a madman,
HEAVES THE PRAYER BEADS INTO THE LAKE. He looks heavenward,
challenging the Infinite.

BRUCE
Okay, if that’s the way you want it.
The gloves are off, pal! Let me see
a little wrath! Smite me oh mighty
smiter! I What, no pestilence no
boils? Come on, you got me on the
ropes, don’t you want to finish me
off?! You’re the one who should be
fired! The only one around here not
doing his job is YOU! What are we,
you’re little pet project? A hobby
you tinker with now and again? Answer
me. ANSWER ME!!!

A beat of silence then Bruce’s BEEPER GOES OFF. He cynically
chuckles at the timing, checks it, sees 772-5623.

BRUCE
Sorry, don’t know you, wouldn’t call
you if I did.

Bruce walks off toward his wrecked car, it BEEPS AGAIN.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON – AN ALARM CLOCK

The BEEPING continues. We are in…

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – MORNING

Bruce wakes, slaps at the alarm clock, groggy, reaches for
the phone, finally realizes it’s the beeper. He gets up,
begrudgingly, checks it. The same number.

BRUCE
Well, hello again 772-5623, don’t
hold your breath.

Bruce tosses the pager on the bed, heads for the bathroom.

The beeper BEEPS. Bruce stops in his tracks, turns, opens
the window, grabs the beeper and FIRES IT OUT. It SHATTERS
against a telephone pole. He calmly continues to the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM

A note is stuck in the bathroom mirror, with an old picture
of he and Grace in happier times. The note simply says:

“I LOVE YOU. WE NEED TO TALK. GRACE”

Peering over top of the note, Bruce sees Sam circling on the
rug.

BRUCE
Oh, no.

EXT. STAIR WELL – CONTINUOUS

Bruce runs down the stairs carrying the trickling, Sam.

EXT. APARTMENT – DAY

Bruce sets Sam on the grass. Sam looks up, finished.

BRUCE
What’s the point?

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP…

Bruce walks over to the shattered beeper. He picks up a small
piece of it containing the LED read out: 772-5623

ON BRUCE – AMAZED

CUT TO:

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER

A PHONE – BRUCE DIALS THE NUMBER

A PRERECORDED VOICE ANSWERS

COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Denied that promotion at work? Is
life unfair? Everywhere you turn is
there someone less talented than you
reaping all the benefits? Is your
name Bruce? Then do we have the job
for you. We’re located at 77256 23rd
Street…

Bruce reaches for a pen, begins jotting down the address.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE
So come on down, or we’ll just keep
beepin’ ya.

EXT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

An old building on the outskirts of town. A faded sign painted
on the wall reads, OMNI PRESENTS.

Bruce’s demolished car enters frame. He studies the area and
building suspiciously.

Bruce cautiously moves towards the structure and then, STEPS
IN A PUDDLE. He SINKS UP TO HIS KNEE.

BRUCE
Perfect.

He gets out, shakes off his sopping leg, and heads inside.

INT. OMNI PRESENTS – DAY

Bruce enters and checks the BUILDING DIRECTORY. It reads:

OMNI PRESENTS UNLTD.

Personnel Rm. 7
Accounting Rm. 7
Security Rm. 7
Creative Rm. 7

VOICE (O.S.)
You’re looking for room 7.

Bruce turns to see a JANITOR mopping the floor. He looks at
Bruce’s wet leg, offers the mop.

JANITOR
Want me to even those up for you?

BRUCE
(feigns a smile)
How would I get to room 7?

JANITOR
That’d be on the seventh floor. Stairs
are right over there.

BRUCE
What about the elevator?

He points to an elevator bank a couple of steps away.

JANITOR
Out of order.

Bruce heads for the stairs.

JANITOR
You mind giving me a hand with this
floor?

BRUCE
What? Yeah, I mind.

He continues on.

SEVENTH FLOOR

The stairwell door opens up to a LARGE ROOM with a SINGLE
DESK at the end of an otherwise empty space.

Bruce hears someone tinkering atop a tall ladder extending
into a hole in the ceiling.

BRUCE
Excuse me. Hello. I’m, ah, looking
for whoever runs this joint…

MAN (O.S.)
Be right with y.a, just fixin’ a
light. Tell me if it’s working?

CLICK and an INSANELY BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT ILLUMINATES, shining
down blinding Bruce.

BRUCE
Yep, seems to be.
(wiping his eyes)
Kinda bright, though.

An electrician, silhouetted in the bright light, descends
the ladder.

MAN (O.S.)
Yeah, it is for most people. They
spend their lives in the dark…

As he talks he steps down next to Bruce and we see that it
is the SAME JANITOR.

JANITOR
…thinkin’ they can hide from me.

The two stand, angelically illuminated. Bruce tries to put
everything together.

BRUCE
Oh, the elevator’s broken, huh?

JANITOR
Yeah, but I’ll get around to it.

The Janitor CLAPS HIS HANDS TWICE and the light goes off.

BRUCE
You installed a clapper?

JANITOR
Nope. Catchy jingle, though.
(sings)
CLAP ON. CLAP OFF. CLAP ON, CLAP
OFF. THE CLAPPER.
(claps twice)
You can’t get it out of your head.

BRUCE
I gotta go.

JANITOR
Okay, but the boss’ll be right out.

The Janitor unzips his uniform, revealing a very nice suit.

He extends his hand to Bruce.

JANITOR
You must be Bruce. I’ve been expecting
you.

BRUCE
Oh, this is hilarious. So you’re the
boss and the electrician and the
janitor.

JANITOR
Nothin’ wrong with rollin’ up your
sleeves, son. People underestimate
the benefits of good ‘ol manual labor.
There’s freedom in it. Happiest people
in the world stink like hell at the
end of the day.

He strolls down the room, takes a seat behind the big desk.

JANITOR
Your father knew that. He was a damn
good welder.

Bruce approaches the desk.

BRUCE
How do you know my father? And how
did you get my pager number?

JANITOR
Oh, I know a lot about you Bruce.
Pretty much everything there is to
know. Everything you’ve ever said,
done or thought about doin’, is right
there in that file cabinet.

He points out a single drawer file cabinet.

BRUCE
(sarcastic)
Wow, a whole drawer. Just for me?
Mind if I take a look?

JANITOR
It’s your life.

Bruce pulls the drawer and it FLIES OPEN, DRAGGING HIM THE
FULL LENGTH OF THE ROOM �-

The Janitor casually pulls a file.

JANITOR
Now this last entry was a little
disturbing.

He thumps the file cabinet with his fist and the drawer
dramatically sucks closed, DRAGGING BRUCE BACK. The Janitor
reads from the file.

JANITOR
(reads, scanning)
Thanks for everything, Lord. I am so
honored that my horrible demise is a
part of your loving and mysterious
plan… The gloves are off, pal…
Smite me oh mighty smiter.
(aside)
I’m not much for blaspheming but
that one made me laugh. Oh, and let’s
not forget “What kind of a God would
let this happen? I mean, have you
seen then news lately?”

Bruce stands, dazed.

BRUCE
Who are you?

JANITOR
I’m the creator of the heavens and
the earth. I’m the alpha & omega.
The first and the last.

BRUCE
Sorry, it’s not ringing a bell.

JANITOR/GOD
I’m God, Bruce.

BRUCE
Oh, you’re God. Well that explains
everything! That’s how you know
everything about me. That’s how you
got up to the seventh floor so
quickly.
(placating)
Well, it’s really nice to meet you.
Thanks for the Grand Canyon and, ah,
good luck with the apocalypse.

Bruce turns to leave, BUT FINDS HIMSELF WALKING RIGHT TOWARD
GOD AND HIS DESK. He tries again, and again.

BRUCE
Okay, I don’t know how you’re doing
that, but I really gotta go. This
place is obviously rigged in some
way. We’re on some freaky hidden
camera show.
(playing to the
“cameras”)
…for which I will not sign a
release, by the way! But you know
what, I’d be a little more impressed
if you didn’t use the cheesy file
cabinet illusion. Everyone with a
brain in their head would know that
the drawer is being fed through the
wall from behind -�

Bruce pulls the file cabinet from the wall, sees it has a
normal back.

BRUCE
Okay. That’s good. That’s a good
one.

Bruce quickly puts his hands behind his back.

BRUCE
Okay, God. How many fingers am I
holding out?

Bruce extends three fingers.

GOD
Three.

He quickly pulls one finger in.

GOD
Two.

Bruce begins switching fingers rapidly. God doesn’t miss a
beat.

GOD
Four. Nine. Six. Eight. One…

One final attempt, Bruce holds seven fingers.

BRUCE
Okay, how about now.

He quickly pulls in two fingers.

GOD
Seven.

BRUCE
AH HA!

Bruce proudly presents his single hand of five extended
fingers to God, then immediately notices he has SEVEN FINGERS
ON HIS ONE HAND.

BRUCE
AAAHHH!

He shakes his fingers wildly and the two extra fingers
disappear. God approaches Bruce.

GOD
You’ve been doing a lot of complaining
about me, Bruce. And quite frankly,
I’m tired of it…

Bruce backs away from God.

BRUCE
You stay away from me! I don’t know
what your doing. But whatever you’re
doing is probably actionable!

GOD
Well, that’s not very neighborly. I
brought you here to offer you a job.

BRUCE
Job? What job?

GOD
My job. You think you can do it
better, so here’s your chance. When
you leave this building you will be
endowed with all my powers.

BRUCE
Sure, whatever you say, Pal.

He turns to go but GOD STANDS BEFORE HIM in the Janitor
uniform, holding the mop.

GOD
All the power of God.

Bruce glances back at the empty desk, turns back again and
God the Janitor has also vanished. A beat, then Bruce sprints
out of the room.

EXT. OMNI PRESENTS – DAY

Bruce barrels out of the building �-

BRUCE
Okay, that did not happen.

He races to his car stepping in the SAME PUDDLE, but this
time his foot doesn’t sink, he WALKS RIGHT ACROSS IT. He
pauses for a beat �-

BRUCE
No.

He races on.

INT. BRUCE’S CAR

Bruce jumps in, turns the key, the car turns over but doesn’t
start.

BRUCE
I’m having a breakdown. That’s what
it is. Just a normal, everyday
psychotic episode, brought on by
tumor or brain lesion…

We hear the car wind down to nothing. Bruce releases the key
pounds the steering wheel in frustration.

BRUCE
(to the car)
Come on, start!

The car INSTANTLY starts.

BRUCE
(denial)
Well, that was lucky.

Bruce backs up, peels out.

MUSIC UP: “HE’S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS”

EXT. CITY STREETS

Bruce drives, whistling the tune, catches himself, immediately
stops whistling.

BRUCE
Okay, just relax here. I did not
meet God and I do not have his powers.
(laughs)
If that was God, then I’m Mario
Andretti.

Instantly, Bruce’s car PEELS OUT, races through traffic,
dodging and passing cars right and left.

BRUCE
AAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Suddenly there is a GUY IN A RED PIT CREW SUIT standing before
Bruce waving a red flag. Bruce swerves to avoid the man and
SCREECHES into a pit stop. Several other red-suited Italian
men engulf the car. Bruce watches in amazement as the
professional racing team jacks up his car, slaps on HUGE MAG
TIRES, gases him up, etc. PAUL NEWMAN leans into the driver’s
window.

PAUL NEWMAN
Hey Mario, did you get that box of
dressing I sent you?

Bruce responds against his will IN PERFECT ITALIAN �-

BRUCE
(in perfect Italian)
Si, dovete venire sopra per il pranzo
un certo tempo.
(SUBTITLES: Yes, you
must come over for
dinner some time.)

Bruce reacts shocked. The crew backs off and urges him on in
Italian.

PIT CREW
Vetel Vetel.

Bruce’s car peels out on it’s own, he struggles to control
the wheel, finally pulling over to a curb. His car door won’t
open so he has to crawl out of the driver’s window.

He rushes onto the sidewalk, backing away from his normal
looking Taurus. Not knowing what to do, he slips into a diner.

INT. DINER – DAY

Bruce quickly walks to a back corner booth. The only other
patron is an OLD MAN seated at the counter.

BRUCE
It isn’t real, it isn’t real, it
isn’t real…

An older. Sally Kirkland-type WAITRESS, order pad in hand,
stands listening to Bruce with a raised eyebrow.

BRUCE
Oh hi, ah, coffee please.

The waitress pours him a cup.

WAITRESS
We’ve got a special on soup today.

BRUCE
No, that’s okay.

WAITRESS
It’s tomato.

BRUCE
Alright, okay.

She heads off. Bruce sits thinking. Could it be real?

He looks at the SUGAR down at the end of the table, holds
out his hand and the SUGAR SLIDES ACROSS THE TABLE RIGHT
INTO HIS HAND. The CREAMER slides into his other hand.

Bruce is half scared, half thrilled. He pours some cream and
sugar into his cup, looks around the table.

BRUCE
Excuse me I need a spoooo…

Bruce chokes up a spoon into his hands, wipes it off with
his napkin.

BRUCE
That’s alright, I found one.

The Old Man eyes Bruce suspiciously, gets up and moves further
down the counter.

The Waitress sets down the soup, heads off, then turns back.

WAITRESS
I lie to my sister.

BRUCE
What?

WAITRESS
(becoming emotional)
And I’m sleeping with my best friend’s
husband. I know he’s just using me
but.. I’m just so tired of being
alone. I don’t know why I’m telling
you all this. Just seems like you’d
understand.

BRUCE
Okay.

WAITRESS
(sets the check down)
Take care of that whenever you’re
ready.

Bruce looks at the soup. His look grows intense. He slowly
raises his hands over the soup bowl….

MUSIC UP: THE TEN COMMANDMENTS THEME

The front door blows open, as A WIND SWIRLS through the diner
and with all the flourish of Moses at the Red Sea, BRUCE
PARTS HIS RED SOUP.

A little cockroach scurries across the table, climbs up the
edge of the bowl and walks through to the other side.

GOD (O.S.)
Havin’ fun?

Bruce is startled and the soup splashes back to normal
collapsing on the cockroach. He looks up at God standing
beside the booth. Bruce is now awestruck.

BRUCE
You — He — Thy…

GOD
Let’s take a walk.

EXT. LAKE ERIE – DAY

God leans down, lets the little soup covered cockroach go.

God and Bruce then walk along the lake shore.

GOD
(re: the cockroach)
Most people want to kill these guys.
I’m quite fond of em’. Very
streamlined design. Like little
armored tanks. Y’know, they can hold
their breath for forty minutes and
their cells divide only once per
molting cycle creating a cytoskeleton
with cell adhesion that…
(catching himself)
Oh, this is a bit over your head,
isn’t it?

Off Bruce’s look.

GOD
Okay, let me explain the rules.

BRUCE
Rules?

GOD
Yeah, you left in such a rush I didn’t
get a chance to explain.

BRUCE
Well the two extra fingers freaked
me out a little bit.

GOD
(laughs)
I figured that would get your
attention. I did the same thing to
Gandhi, he couldn’t eat for three
weeks. Now, here’s the deal. You
have all my power. Use it any way
you choose. There are only two rules.
You can’t tell anyone you’re God.
Believe me you don’t want that kind
of attention. And you can’t mess
with free will.

BRUCE
Uh huh. Can I ask why?

GOD
(excited)
Yes you can. That’s the beauty it.

Suddenly a LARGE SAILBOAT SAIL PASSES RIGHT BY THEM. Bruce
looks to the sail, oddly, then…

WIDE ANGLE – REVEAL

God and Bruce are now walking ON THE LAKE about 100 feet
from the shore. They watch the sailboat pass.

Bruce is awestruck.

BRUCE
This is amazing.

GOD
Oh, speaking of amazing…

God dips his hand in the Lake and pulls out THE PRAYER BEADS.

He pockets them as he talks.

GOD
Since you’re finished with these, I
think I’ll hang to ’em. Might come
in handy someday.

WIDE MASTER – BUFFALO CITY-SCAPE

God and Bruce are tiny figures on the river, as God begins
to walk away.

GOD
I’ll be seein’ ya.

BRUCE
Where are you going?

GOD
I’m taking a vacation.

BRUCE
God can’t take a vacation. Can he?
Can you?

GOD
Ever hear of the Dark Ages? Besides,
I’m covered. You can fix everything
in five minutes if you want to, right?

ON BRUCE

BRUCE
…Right.

Left alone, Bruce begins to carefully tip toe back to shore,
progresses to a full sprint.

INT. GROCERY STORE – DAY

Grace and Debbie stand at the check-out stand. Grace flips
through a celeb magazine, as Debbie places the last few items
from the cart to the conveyor belt.

In the background, throughout, Debbie’s daughter, Zoe is
grabbing random items off the shelves and placing them on
the belt.

GRACE
(re: magazine)
Gosh, this girl is so talented and
all they ever talk about is her hair.

DEBBIE
Yeah, she should marry somebody
famous, take the focus off.

Grace checks her cell phone screen.

DEBBIE
We would have heard it ring.

GRACE
I know. It’s just that he usually
calls during the day.

DEBBIE
He just needs to blow off some steam,
he’ll be fine.

GRACE
I hope so. I’ve never seen him that
mad. And I lashed back -�

DEBBIE
Wow, you lashed? You never lash. I’m
impressed.

GRACE
I feel bad for him. He’s wanted anchor
for so long.

Zoe begins pulling groups of items onto the belt.

DEBBIE
Well, I’ve been praying to win the
lottery for fifteen years, but it’s
not going to happen. You know, it’s
not all about money.

The CLERK finishes ringing the last item.

CLERK
That’ll be four hundred and twenty
seven, eighty —

DEBBIE
What?!

Debbie looks in a bag, pulls out a handful of various counter
items. Zoe giggles and proudly holds up one of the hundred
or so Tic-Tac mint containers.

DEBBIE
Zoe.
(to Clerk)
Hang on, I might need you to uncheck
a few things.

The people in line hem and haw, exasperated.

GUY IN LINE
Come on, lady.

DEBBIE
(snaps)
Hey, everybody back-off!

Zoe laughs, enjoying the commotion.

GRACE
Listen, I better get back. I want to
be there for him.

DEBBIE
You’re a saint, Grace.

GRACE
What can I say, I love him. And if I
know Bruce, he’s out there wandering
around with the weight of the world
on his shoulders.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREETS – DUSK

Bruce struts down the street the embodiment of confidence.

He turns shooting a finger at a fire hydrant, it BLASTS WATER.
KIDS run off their front steps, start playing.

A PRETTY GIRL IN A DRESS, comes walking toward him. As she
passes he BLOWS A LITTLE AIR OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH
and turns to watch her SKIRT FLY UP.

BRUCE
And he saw that it was good.

He spots a mannequin in a store window display, wearing a
cool, casual outfit. He closes his eyes. When he opens them,
HE’S WEARING THE COOL NEW OUTFIT and the mannequin is dressed
in his clothes. He checks his reflection… better.

Bruce rounds the corner, sees the SAME GANG that beat him
up, hanging out in the alley.

BRUCE
B-e-a-utifull.

EXT. ALLEY

Bruce approaches the gang.

BRUCE
Hey guys, remember me?

The gang members turn to Bruce.

HOOD #1
Oh look, it’s the hero.

HOOD #2
Hungry for another can of whoopass?

HOOD #3
Your stereo sounds great in my car,
man.

He and a couple other gang members laugh and high-five.

BRUCE
Look, I don’t want to fight you guys.
So as soon as you apologize, I’ll be
on my way.

A beat, then the Hoods BURST OUT LAUGHING. A few circle
behind, surrounding Bruce.

HOOD #1
Oh, yeah. I’ll apologize… The day
a monkey climbs out of my butt.

BRUCE
What a coincidence. That’s today.

The Hood gets a PAINED LOOK, starts gyrating around, then a
MONKEY comes climbing out the back of his baggy pants.

The Big Guy looks at Hood #1.

BIG GUY
Did that come out of your butt, man?

Hood #1 faints from shock.

BRUCE
Now I’m going to have to teach the
rest of you guys a lesson.

HOOD #2
Yeah, you and whose army?

BRUCE
Just me… and me…

ANOTHER BRUCE steps out from behind a stack of crates.

BRUCE
And me, and me, and me, me, me, me,
me and me and me.

As Bruce talks, DUPLICATE BRUCE’S begin popping out from
various spots, a doorway, hanging down from a fire escape, a
dumpster pops open, six Bruce’s jump out.

BRUCE
PILE ON THE RABBIT!

THE BRUCE’S converge on the gang �-

Hood #2 is instantly tackled by THREE BRUCES �-

ONE BRUCE kneels down behind a hood, ANOTHER BRUCE pushes
him down over his back. The two Bruce’s high-five �-

A Hood climbs a fire escape. ONE BRUCE gives a hand up to
ANOTHER BRUCE, who takes pursuit. ANOTHER BRUCE leans out of
a window SMASHES a potted plant over his head �-

ON THE MONKEY – SCREECHING, ENJOYING THE EXCITEMENT

Our Bruce stands in the middle of the action, happily watching
the mayhem.

HOOD #2
Let’s get out of here, man!

Hood #2 takes off running, the gang members follow.

BRUCE
Okay guys, Kum Ba Ya!

The Bruce’s jog over, leaping and diving into Bruce’s body.

BRUCE
I’ll take it from here.

Bruce takes a deep breath, OPENS HIS MOUTH WIDE, RELEASING A
SWARM OF LOCUSTS —

EXT. ALLEY – CONTINUOUS

The gang streams out of the alley screaming, COVERED IN
LOCUSTS.

Bruce exits the alley, the monkey at his side. He looks down
to the monkey.

BRUCE
Back home for you, little one.

The monkey takes off back into the alley, as we see HOOD #1
stumbling to his feet.

HOOD #1
No! NOOOOO!

He takes off running, the monkey in hot pursuit.

ON BRUCE

He belches and one last locust flies out. He reacts to the
unpleasant aftertaste and walks off.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON – BRUCE

We widen to an UP ANGLE of him standing on the top of
Buffalo’s tallest SKYSCRAPER. Clouds swirl behind him. He
looks out over the vast city lights, opens his arms and
proclaims to the world.

BRUCE
I AM THE LORD THY BRUCE ALMIGHTY. MY
WILL BE DONE.

Bruce poses in dramatic god-like form, lightning crashes
behind him. He is an awesome god.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Grace sits on the floor next to the coffee table with a box
of photos working on the album. She takes a sip of wine,
sets down the glass. Sam walks over and laps up the wine.

GRACE
(to Sam)
Well, at least I have someone to
drink with.

Grace hears Bruce coming up the stairs, singing.

BRUCE
What if God was one of us…
Just a slob like one of us…
Just a stranger on a bus…
Trying to make his way…

Grace reacts a bit surprised by Bruce’s happy tone, she gets
up, opens the door and there stands BRUCE, beaming smile,
holding a very unique BOUQUET OF FLOWERS.

BRUCE
(finishing song)
…home.

GRACE
(re: the flowers)
Oh, my God.

BRUCE
You can call me Bruce.

GRACE
Where have you been? You’re so…
happy.

BRUCE
Who wouldn’t be on a night like this?
(holding out the
flowers)
For you.

Grace takes the flowers, gives Bruce a kiss, still sizing up
his mood.

GRACE
These are amazing. What are they?

BRUCE
It’s a totally new breed. A cross
pollination between tulips and
Daisies. I call them Todayzees.

GRACE
Todayzees? Okay…

Grace goes to put them in water.

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

GRACE
Bruce, is there something you’re not
telling me?

BRUCE
Nothing of this world. Why?

GRACE
What do you mean, why? Last night
you weren’t exactly happy with life.

BRUCE
Last night, I was only human.

Bruce backs out of the kitchen seductively.

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Bruce breezes through, casually instructs the stereo as he
passes.

BRUCE
CD 4, Track 7.

The Stereo illuminates and Barry White music plays.

EXT. BALCONY – CONTINUOUS

Bruce opens the doors, steps onto the balcony. He surveys
the cloudy sky, reaches up with his hand and ERASES THE
CLOUDS, LIKE ON A CHALKBOARD.

Still not completely satisfied he reaches up toward the moon
and makes a LASSOING MOTION, THEN BEGINS TO PULL.

CUT TO:

OUTER SPACE – BEHIND THE MOON

Earth far off in the distance — And with a THUNDEROUS RUMBLE
the MOON starts MOVING CLOSER TO EARTH.

BACK TO SCENE

Bruce adds a finishing touch by adding several stars with
points of his finger.

Grace joins Bruce on the balcony and is taken aback by the
perfectly orchestrated sky.

GRACE
Wow, it really cleared up. I’ve never
seen the moon that big.

Bruce puts his arms around Grace from behind.

BRUCE
We shouldn’t waste it.

Bruce starts kissing her neck. Grace turns, they kiss and a
METEOR SHOWER lights the sky behind them. The kiss ends.

BRUCE
Bedroom.

GRACE
Five minutes.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Grace grabs a negligee from the drawer, heads into the
bathroom. Bruce enters, adjusts the ambiance of the room,
BLOWS THE LIGHTS OUT with a quick puff of air, LIGHTS CANDLES
with a gesture. His clothes magically fall away.

INT. BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

Grace slips her negligee on, begins brushing her hair.

GRACE
I’ll be out in a minute.

BRUCE (O.S.)
Don’t rush yourself. Sometimes
anticipation can heighten the
pleasure.

Grace SHUDDERS a bit at the word “pleasure”, quickly finishes
brushing, picks up her lipstick.

BRUCE (O.S.)
It’s a funny thing about, pleasure.

GRACE’S KNEES BUCKLE, causing the lipstick to smear across
her face. She sits down on the toilet seat to get a hold of
herself.

BRUCE (O.S.)
It can be extremely pleasurable.

Grace has a very POWERFUL ORGASM and slides off the toilet
out of frame to the ground.

GRACE
(out of control)
Oh, oh. Oh my…

CUT TO:

BRUCE

Standing at the door with both arms extended toward the
bathroom like an WARLOCK CASTING A SPELL. Suddenly the light
hits him from the open bathroom door and he quickly strikes
a casual pose.

Grace stands in the open doorway, panting like an animal.

She dives on Bruce, attacking him.

INT. KITCHEN – MORNING

ON TV – THE MORNING NEWS

MORNING REPORTER
In international news, Japanese relief
workers are staging a desperate effort
to rescue hundreds of people stranded
by a freak tidal wave that hit
Kitamoto City…

We see remote footage of Japanese families being airlifted
from root tops.

MORNING REPORTER
Scientists say the tsunami may have
been caused by what they’re describing
as “unusual lunar activity.” More on
this, as it develops…

Grace half watches the newscast as she finishes breakfast.

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING

Bruce lies blissfully asleep. Big smile, life is good.

Then, we hear WHISPERING — Like distant voices MURMURING
all at once. Bruce wakes with a start. He looks around
puzzled, sticks his finger in his ear checking his hearing
as the voices fade away.

ANGLE – SAM

Circling, getting ready to go on the carpet. Bruce casually
warns.

BRUCE
Sam. Uh uh uh.

Sam looks at Bruce for a beat, then walks into bathroom,
raises the toilet seat with his nose, and STANDS UP ON HIS
TWO HIND LEGS, HOLDING HIS SNAUSAGE WITH HIS FRONT PAWS (NO,
WE DON’T SEE IT) AND STARTS TO GO. He looks proudly back at
Bruce.

BRUCE
Good boy.

INT. KITCHEN

Grace places breakfast on the table. Bruce comes out, fully
dressed with a spring in his step.

BRUCE
Good morning.

GRACE
(gushy-lovey, sing
songy)
Good morning. Cooked you grilled
cheese.

BRUCE
Oo, my favey.

Bruce sits, Grace sets down his plate, leans close.

GRACE
Last night was just…

BRUCE
Heavenly?

GRACE
Mmm hmm.

Bruce enjoys his grilled cheese.

GRACE
It’s funny, but when I woke up this
morning, It felt like my boobs were
bigger.

Bruce looks away, guilty, trying to be nonchalant.

GRACE
(holding them up)
Do they look bigger to you?

BRUCE
Huh? Ah, no, they, ah, look the same
to me.

They aren’t. They are clearly bigger. She holds them.

GRACE
They’re definitely bigger. They feel
huge to me.

Bruce throws up his hands.

BRUCE
You got me. Probably just a hormonal
thing.
(takes a quick final
bite)
Well, enjoy your breakfast, I’ve
gotta run.

GRACE
Where are you going?

He stops, turns. A new confident Bruce.

BRUCE
To get my job back.

MUSIC UP:

EXT. BRUCE’S APARTMENT – DAY

Bruce heads for his severely beat-up junker car whistling
“What If God Were One Of Us.”

INT. BRUCE’S CAR

CLOSE ON – BRUCE

He gets in, fastens his seat belt, as two teenagers cruise
by on skateboards, stop outside Bruce’s window.

TEENAGER
(sincerely impressed)
Wow, nice car man.

BRUCE
Well, it gets me from A to B.

MASTER – STREET

Reveal Bruce’s car is now a brand new MERCEDES 2003 VISION
SLR. He starts and revs THE POWERFUL NEW ENGINE and peels
out.

EXT. CITY STREETS – DAY

Bruce turns the corner into bumper to bumper traffic. No
problem, the traffic magically opens up for him, cars
instantly swerving right and left clearing a path for Bruce.

He waves as he passes.

BRUCE
And the last shall be first.

EXT. POLICE TRAINING CENTER – DAY

A POLICE DOG, HANK, performs some standard TAKE DOWNS by
“attacking” a “criminal” (trainer) on the run. PHIL, a
reporter from a rival station is wrapping up his story.

PHIL
I certainly wouldn’t want to be a
fugitive on the run with Hank,
Buffalo’s number one police dog, on
the job. This is Phil Sidleman
reporting from The Police Canine
Training center.
(beat)
And cut it. Let’s go, guys.

The crew start to wrap up.

ANGLE – BRUCE

Watching the action from the side, holding his own home video
camera. Phil spots him.

PHIL
Hey, channel seven, right? You’re
the guy that went crazy.

BRUCE
Yeah, I had a bad day. But things
are lookin’ up.

PHIL
What are you doin’ here?

BRUCE
Just lookin’ for a story.

PHIL
(waving the video
tape)
Well, this pond’s fished out. Pretty
standard stuff anyway.

BRUCE
I don’t know. My instinct tells me
there’s something more.

PHIL
Well, go with that. It’s served you
well in the past, right?

Phil and a couple of his crew laugh, as they load the last
of their equipment into the van and shut the doors.

TRAINER (O.S.)
Hey, Hank found something!

Phil turns back, Bruce and he exchange a glance.

Hank is DIGGING FURIOUSLY, making a BIG HOLE. The Policeman
jogs over, joins the trainer. They watch as TWO DRESS SHOES
ARE UNCOVERED IN THE DIRT. Hank BARKS.

POLICEMAN
We got a body!

PHIL
(to his crew)
Shit. Get the camera, now!

EXTREME CLOSE ON – THE VAN’S DOOR LOCK

It LOCKS AUTOMATICALLY. The CAMERAMAN yanks at the door.

CAMERAMAN
It’s locked and the keys are inside!

Bruce casually turns his camera on, gives Phil a “tough break”
look, heads for the scene, as Phil and his crew scramble
around the van.

CUT TO:

ON A TV

DAN RATHER
The body of Jimmy Hoffa was uncovered
in a field today outside of a canine
training center in Buffalo New York.
Local Buffalo freelance field reporter
Bruce Nolan was the first on the
scene…

We cut to the pre-taped story. Bruce stands with Hank and
his trainer before camera, the body being exhumed from the
ground behind him.

BRUCE
Since the disappearance of Teamster
president Jimmy Hoffa in the nineteen
sixties, his whereabouts have remained
one of this country’s great unsolved
mysteries. That is until just moments
ago, when during a routine training
session, a police dog named Hank
sniffed his way right into the history
books. As you can see behind us, the
body is being carefully exhumed and
will be transported to a hospital
facility where DNA testing will
confirm the identity. That, of course,
only a formality as in a bizarre
twist, the body was found buried
with a birth certificate and complete
set of dental records.
(rubs Hank’s neck)
Sort of a two-in-one for Hank today,
as moments later, he busted a local
news camera crew with four kilo’s of
marijuana.

We see footage of PHIL AND HIS NEWS CREW, being cuffed on
the ground, as large stacks of marijuana plants are being
pulled from the van.

PHIL
I’ve never seen it before, I swear!

EXT. NEWS STATION – DAY

As Bruce pulls up in front of the building the NO PARKING
SIGN flies back into the bushes and the RED CURB TRANSFORMS
TO GREEN as though being sloppily painted with invisible
brushes.

Bruce exits the car and smooths past the Homeless Sign Guy,
who sits in his usual spot. His sign reads:

“HEAVEN IS AT HAND. LEGGO YOUR EGGO.”

INT. NEWSROOM – DAY

Bruce cruises through the office, fielding greetings.

VARIOUS OFFICE STAFF
Nice Job, Bruce… Way to go, buddy…
GO get ’em, Bruce, etc.

Susan Ortega smooths up to Bruce.

SUSAN ORTEGA
Hi, Bruce.

BRUCE
(surprised)
Oh, Susan… Hi.

SUSAN ORTEGA
Good work, I’m impressed.

She give’s Bruce a “look” and continues on. Bruce is a bit
inflated by the encounter.

Bobby the pastry cart guy wheels his cart up along side.

BOBBY
Hey, Bruce. Nice job, man. Wasn’t
the same without you around here,
pal.
(leading)
I hear Jack wants to see you.

BRUCE
That’s the word.

BOBBY
You’re going to need your energy in
there. Can I interest you in a donut?

BRUCE
No, thank you, I’m not hungry.

BOBBY
Coffee?

BRUCE
No.

BOBBY
Fiber grain bar with bee pollen and
Spiralina?

BRUCE
I’m really not interested.

BOBBY
Yeah, I don’t blame ‘ya, they taste
like grass.

Bobby CUTS BRUCE OFF WITH HIS CART. Bruce is forced to stop.

BOBBY
Tell you what? I wasn’t going to
break it open until lunch time, but
I made a batch of rhubarb that you
have got to try.

BRUCE
Bobby, I -�

BOBBY
Come on, it’s my mother’s recipe
she’s practically cripple…

Bobby forces a ladle of rhubarb out at Bruce.

BRUCE
No, I really — no…

BOBBY
Open up, that’s it, here comes the
news chopper…
(makes sound of Chopper)

BRUCE
No, Bobby… Bobby NO! I said I didn’t
want anything.
(turns, heading off)
Damn you…

Bruce continues off, as Bobby stops cold, adopts an odd
expression, then his EYES ROLL UP IN THEIR SOCKETS, SPIN ALL
THE WAR AROUND, THEN GLOW RED. LITTLE HORN BUMPS PUSH UP
FROM HIS SKULL. He turns instantly demonic.

An overly PERKY FEMALE OFFICE WORKER approaches Bobby from
behind.

FEMALE OFFICE WORKER
Hi, Bobby. Is there any of that split
pea soup left?

She is instantly hit in the chest with a stream of green
vomit. A beat and Bobby offers out a plastic spoon.

INT. JACK’S OFFICE – DAY

ON JACK

He sees Bruce enter, immediately perks up.

JACK
(big laugh)
There he is! Hoffa! Ha! What are the
odds of that?

BRUCE
(laughing along with
him)
Ha! What are the odds?

JACK
Look, I’ll be straight. We want you
back, Bruce. I want to tell you, it
wasn’t my decision to let you go.
When the big guy gives the order, I
gotta…

BRUCE
No harm no foul, Jack. I needed some
time off to reassess my goals and
get in touch with my true self.

JACK
You did that in a day?

BRUCE
Imagine what I can do with seven.

Jack pauses for an awkward beat. His face grows serious.

JACK
I haven’t been the best father in
the world.

BRUCE
What’s that?

JACK
I curse a lot. I cheat on my taxes.
My wife used to make my kids call
me, when she was alive…
(breaking down)
…Now, I go to strip clubs, and
drink all night. But at least they’re
open until four. What are you doing
tonight?

BRUCE
Oh, I’m busy doing… things.

Jack recovers, rejuvenated.

JACK
Yeah, I gotcha. It feels good to get
that out. Thank you.

Jack gives Bruce a big hug.

JACK
Look, it’s not in my power to give
you anchor, but as far as field
reporting goes, if you’re looking
for a bump.

BRUCE
Jack, don’t worry about that. Just
give me a camera and a crew and I’ll
give you the news.

Bruce exits. Jack likes the new Bruce.

INT. NEWSROOM

Bruce heads out as The Eyewitness News opening plays on
several monitors. Susan Ortega opens.

SUSAN
Good evening and welcome to Eyewitness
News at six. I’m Susan Ortega.

EVAN
And I’m Evan Baxter. And here’s what’s
making news…

This stops Bruce. He watches Evan on a newsroom monitor. A
devilish smile forms on Bruce’s face.

EVAN
A potential scandal with the Buffalo
P.D. surfaced today when…

Evan’s voice suddenly becomes HIGH PITCHED, like a girls.

EVAN
(falsetto)
…the mayor demanded that the Chief
of Police issue…
(clears his throat)
…Uh-hum, that the Chief of Police…

Evan tries to clear his throat again, but his voice remains
HIGH PITCHED.

EVAN
(falsetto)
…the Chief of Police issue a
response over allegations made by…

INT. JACK’S OFFICE – SAME TIME

JACK
What the hell is that?

Evan is starting to visibly sweat.

EVAN
(falsetto)
I’m sorry. There seems to be
something.

Evan shoots Susan a look to cover for him. Susan tries to
cover with a joke.

SUSAN
Looks like my new co-anchor may need
a glass of water.

She laughs, Evan laughs in a RIDICULOUS HIGH PITCHED GIRLY
LAUGH that makes it even worse. He sips the water and his
voice returns.

EVAN
Ah, there we go. Sorry about that.
The Prime Minister of Sweden visited
Washington today as my little tiny
nipples moved to France —

Evan stops cold, staring at the teleprompter.

INT. TV STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

The Director in the booth reacts.

DIRECTOR
What did he just say? Check the
prompter.

The Console Operator checks the text being fed to Evan.

CONSOLE OPERATOR
It’s fine.

DIRECTOR
Well, signal for him to keep going.

The Stage Manager motions to Evan, he reluctantly continues
reading.

INTERCUT TV STUDIO AND NEWSROOM MONITOR

EVAN
The White House reception committee
greeted the Prime Rib Roast Minister
and I do the cha cha like a sissy
girl…
(urged to keep going,
so continues slowly)
I lika do da cha cha…

In desperation, Evan shifts from the prompter to the paper
script on his desk.

EVAN
Sorry, we’re having a few technical
difficulties, here…
(reading)
In other n-n-n-n… n-n-n-n…

Evan’s NOSE STARTS BLEEDING. A sudden stream out of one
nostril. Susan reacts. So does Jack. Bruce smiles.

Evan sees the blood, tries to stop it but it only streams
faster. He keeps talking, but the stream increases. Susan
gets up, tries to help.

SUSAN
Somebody get some napkins. Dallas,
help me.

DALLAS
I’m not touching him.
(realizing he’s on
camera)
I mean, I’m not really qualified.

Evan’s hair IGNITES.

SUSAN
His hair’s on fire!

Dallas runs off.

BRUCE
(casual to an amazed
news staffer)
You know, he does have a certain
pizazz about him.

Susan reaches for a water pitcher, as a crew man steps in
and BLASTS Evan’s head with a fire extinguisher. Evan is in
shock, his face now white.

The screen cuts to a “PLEASE STAND-BY” title card, then cuts
to an episode of “Dragnet.”

ON BRUCE – It’s fun to be God.

MUSIC UP/MONTAGE UP

EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – DAY

Bruce is bored off his ass, interviewing some BLUE HAIRED
OLD LADIES at the Mark Twain chili cook off.

BLUE HAIRED LADY
(talks so slow you
want to kill yourself)
My secret is I let the jalapeno’s
marinade in a spicy sauce for over
24 hours before I -�

We see Bruce’s pained face, realizing what horrible news
this is, when he gets an idea and SCHWWWWWAAAAAAM!!! AN
ASTEROID CRASHES to earth behind them.

BRUCE
Hold that thought, Hazel!
(Bruce walks back
toward the explosion)
It seems some type of meteor or
asteroid has, by chance, hit the
earth right behind the Mark Twain
Chili Cook Off…

EXT. SKY – DAY

Bruce is free-falling in full sky diving uniform.

BRUCE
…So remember, it’s sky diving season
at Old Pete’s airfield.
(grabs the ripcord)
This is Bruce Nolan…
(gives it a tug,
doesn’t budge)
My rip cord appears to be a bit stuck.

Bruce yanks again harder, nothing, then again and the cord
rips free from the suit.

BRUCE
This is a very unfortunate turn of
events. I’m heading toward the earth
at a very precarious speed…

The cameraman pops his shoot and we see Bruce continue to
stream toward the ground below. He falls into a wooded area.

A CAMERA ON THE GROUND picks up the coverage, runs through
the brush with other BYSTANDERS to find Bruce laying on top
of a BIG, HAIRY CREATURE.

BYSTANDERS (O.S.)
He’s okay… What’s that?… It’s
Bigfoot!… Bigfoot broke his fall!…

Bruce stands groggy, points to a dazed Bigfoot.

BRUCE
Ah ha! You are real!

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – DAY

Bruce sits watching a hockey game on TV. He follows the puck
intently with his eyes, as though controlling it’s path.

GOAL, SABERS! THE CROWD ROARS!

CUT TO:

GOAL, SABERS! THE CROWD ROARS!

CUT TO:

Grace sits aside him, working on the photo album.

GRACE
Do you believe how they’re playing?
(beat)
Oh, honey, would you hand me the
scissors?

Bruce diverts his attention, when the Sabers screw up and
the crowd GROANS. Bruce immediately turns, looks intently at
the puck and GOAL, SABERS! THE CROWD ROARS!

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – MORNING

CLOSE ON – BRA CLASP

Grace’s BOOBS ARE EVEN BIGGER. Bruce is trying to help her
fasten her bra, but it’s a good three inches from touching.

Bruce shrugs “got me.”

EXT. BUFFALO ZOO – DAY

Bruce is doing a report just outside the Pandas’ enclosure.

BRUCE
In the past, zoo officials have been
unable to get these Panda’s to mate,
but that doesn’t seem to be a problem
today.

REVEAL A MALE PANDA wholeheartedly humping another PANDA.

BRUCE
And the mood seems to be catching
on…

WIDE SHOT of the enclosure — PANDA’S are coupled off and
humping everywhere. Mothers are frantically covering
children’s eyes, ushering them away from the exhibit.

QUICK CUTS OF DIFFERENT NEWSCASTERS ON TV

NEWSCASTER
His stories are all over town…

NEWSCASTER #2
…from unearthing Jimmy Hoffa…

NEWSCASTER #3
…to an asteroid crashing to earth.
Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known
as…

EXT. BUFFALO – DAY

A BILLBOARD being put up with a big smiling Bruce with arms
extended. It reads: “Mr. Exclusive”.

INT. HOCKEY ARENA – NIGHT

A close up of Bruce on the Jumbotron.

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome
Mr. Exclusive, Buffalo’s own, Bruce
Nolan.

Bruce starts SINGING THE MOST AMAZING GOSPEL SINGER/JAZZ
VERSION OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM ANYONE HAS EVER HEARD.

BRUCE
Oh, say can you
seeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeee…

ON GRACE – IN THE STANDS

Debbie turns to her, she shrugs.

GRACE
I didn’t even know he could sing.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM – DAY

Grace opens the bathroom door, revealing SAM, SITTING ON THE
TOILET SEAT WITH A NEWSPAPER UNDER HIS FRONT PAWS. Sam BARKS
and Grace quickly closes the door.

INT. HOCKEY ARENA – NIGHT

Bruce sings, still on the same word.

BRUCE
…eeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEeeeee…

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM – DAY

Bruce finishes running a bath, gets into the tub but SLIPS
as is UNABLE TO SINK and ends up sliding around ON THE WATER
like on a sheet of glass. He tries to break through, can’t.

Then, he concentrates and finally LOWERS INTO THE WATER.

INT. HOCKEY ARENA – NIGHT

Bruce dramatically finishes the national anthem.

BRUCE
…of the
BraaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE!

He hits an impossibly high note and the rink glass SHATTERS.
Bruce is projected on the ARENA JUMBOTRON. He shoots his
arms up, the crowd goes nuts! “Mr. Exclusive” flashes on the
screen.

EXT. WOODS – DAY

A Mob of photographers flash photos like crazy, as Bruce
stands casually with his arm around BIGFOOT.

BRUCE
…and that’s the way the cookie
crumbles.

EXT. FAIRGROUNDS – DAY

Bruce surrounded by Hazel and other chili cook off contestants
shouts up from the bottom of the crater hole:

BRUCE & CHILI CONTESTANTS
(in unison)
And that’s the way the cookie
crumbles!

INT. HOCKEY ARENA – DAY

The words FLASH on the jumbotron and the entire crowd chants:

CROWD
And that’s the way the cookie
crumbles!

MUSIC OUT/MONTAGE OUT

INT. BEAUTY SALON – DAY

Grace lies in full body wrap, while Debbie is in the process
of being wrapped by MARGARITA, a rather ruff Spanish Salon
attendant.

DEBBIE
So this is what success buys you.

GRACE
I guess.
(wiggling around)
I feel like a human taquito.

DEBBIE
Well, thank Mr. Exclusive for me.
He’s on a quite a roll. What’d he do
make a deal with the devil?

GRACE
And he’s taking me out tonight to
dinner at Chez L’Amour.

DEBBIE
Well, la-ti-da. Mike’s idea of a
romantic evening is Chez Sizzler.

Margarita pulls the wrap tightly around Debbie.

DEBBIE
(to Margarita)
What does this do again?

MARGARITA
Ests para su grasa.

DEBBIE
Grasa? Doesn’t that mean fat?

GRACE
Afraid so.

Debbie eyes Margarita.

GRACE
(gushing)
So, Bruce said and I quote: “Prepare
yourself for an amazing evening that
will change our lives forever.”

Margarita reaches Debbie’s waist and YANKS tightly.

DEBBIE
Good — you wouldn’t want to leave
any spare oxygen in there.
(back to Grace)
Wait a second, you don’t think he’s
going to propose, do you?

GRACE
I don’t think anything.

DEBBIE
You do. You think he’s going to
propose.

GRACE
Well, he’s always said when he gets
his career together, you know… And
his career is more than together. I
mean, come on, Chez L’Amour. Change
our lives…

DEBBIE
I don’t know, hun. I mean, I like
Bruce but that man’s priority list
is him, him, him, then him some more
and then you.

GRACE
Well, he just might surprise you.

DEBBIE
That’s what I’m worried about.
(re: Margarita)
Careful, you missed a spot of free
flowing circulation.

Margarita senses the attitude and pulls tighter. Debbie
reacts.

DEBBIE
That’d do it.

Margarita motions for Debbie to lay down and leaves. Debbie
struggles to lay down.

DEBBIE
Let’s see, how do I —

Debbie slides to the ground, Grace cracks up, gets up to
help, but also in mummy wrap, topples on top of her. They
both laugh and struggling to get up.

Hearing the ruckus, Margarita enters and gasps.

MARGARITA
Lesbianas!

Grace and Debbie crack up harder.

DEBBIE
Hey, I’ll take that over fat…

Margarita tries to pull them up, but falls too.

MARGARITA
No sexo, no sexo!

Grace and Debbie can’t stop laughing.

INT. CHEZ L’AMOUR – NIGHT

A waiter pours the first trickle of wine into Bruce’s glass.

Bruce whiffs it, tastes it.

BRUCE
Very good. If you run out just bring
me some water, I’ll take it from
there.

Grace looks over the menu as Bruce notices people at various
tables eyeing him. He glances up to a ceiling light and
REDIRECTS IT with his mind, so it SPOTLIGHTS HIM in golden
light.

TWO CUTE GIRLS with dates SMILE and wave. He waves back.

GRACE
Should we ask for a more private
table?

BRUCE
Huh? Oh, no this is fine right here.

Bruce looks at Grace lovingly. He takes her hand.

BRUCE
I was going to wait until after the
meal, but I think it’s going to just
bust out of me if I don’t do it now.

Grace beams, looks at Bruce with total love.

BRUCE
You ready?

GRACE
(nervous)
I think so.

BRUCE
I got anchor.

Grace’s face falls. She does her best to cover.

BRUCE
Evidently, they’re having problems
with Evan. He’s finishing up the
week and I go live Monday.

GRACE
That’s great, honey. Congratulations.
Wow. So that’s what’s tonight is
about?

BRUCE
Well, yeah. Grace, I got anchor. We
got anchor!

She’s having a hard time covering her let down.

BRUCE
(noticing her flat
reaction)
What’s the matter?

GRACE
Well, to be honest, I thought that
maybe tonight, you -�

The TWO CUTE GIRLS interrupt, approach Bruce.

CUTE GIRL #1
I’m sorry, but we had to come over.
We just think you’re amazing and…

CUTE GIRL #2
Well, we can’t believe it’s you!

They both laugh, Bruce enjoys the attention.

BRUCE
(laughing along)
Yep, it’s me.

CUTE GIRL #1
Can we get a picture with you?

BRUCE
Well, sure.
(glances to Grace)
Just one second, hun.
(leans to Grace)
Fans. We better get used to this,
huh?

Grace sits watching the two girls take turns sitting on
Bruce’s lap, taking pictures. Sees Bruce relishing in the
attention. One girl gives Bruce a peck on the cheek and they
leave. Grace is clearly upset.

GRACE
You have lipstick on your face.

BRUCE
Oh, thanks…

GRACE
Bruce, we need to talk. I thought we
had an understanding -�

Suddenly, the WHISPERS start again. Bruce looks around,
figures it’s coming from the restaurant patrons.

BRUCE
Wow. It’s kind of loud in here.

Grace looks around the quiet romantic setting.

GRACE
What are you talking about? It’s not
loud.

The WHISPERS GROW IN VOLUME.

BRUCE
Geez…
(shouts to the
restaurant)
COULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN!

GRACE
Bruce, this isn’t funny.

BRUCE
(talking loud over
the “racket”)
WHAT? WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A
SECOND?

He gets up and darts off.

INT. CHEZ L’AMOUR KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

Bruce races through the restaurant kitchen holding his ears —

EXT. ALLEYWAY – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

He BURSTS out the kitchen exit into the alley. Unclasps his
ears, but no relief. The whispers are now loud voices. We
start to make out fragments of words “Please,” “Help me,”
etc.

Overwhelmed and scared, he slides down the alley wall,
covering his face, then TOTAL SILENCE �-

Bruce lowers his hands and finds himself SITTING ATOP A HIGH
MOUNTAIN PEAK.

GOD (O.S.)
Really something isn’t it?

God sits down next to Bruce.

BRUCE
Is this heaven?

God laughs at this one.

GOD
It’s Everest. You should try flipping
on the Discovery Channel every now
and then. Well, I guess you can’t
now, being dead and all.

BRUCE
I’m dead?!

God laughs.

GOD
No, I’m just messing with you.

BRUCE
Those voices…

GOD
They’re prayers, Bruce. You keep
ignoring them and they’re going to
build up on you like that. You didn’t
think being God was going to be all
fun and games did you?

BRUCE
Prayers? Those are prayers? Why can’t
I understand them?

God forms a snowball in his hands as he talks.

GOD
You aren’t listening, son. Let’s
see, you’ve had my powers for over a
week now and how many people have
you helped?

BRUCE
Okay, so maybe I’ve righted a couple
of the wrongs in my own life. I was
going to get around to others. I can
do both. I can help the world.

GOD
The world? That wasn’t the world,
Bruce. That was just Buffalo, between
Commonwealth and 57th. Didn’t want
to start you out with more than you
can handle. Now how you doing
otherwise? Personal life in good
shape?

BRUCE
Yeah. Everything is great.

A DOORWAY OPENS like a crack in space. Grace steps out, sees
Bruce.

GRACE
Bruce? What are you doing out here?

With that, the terrain TRANSFORMS back into the alley where
Grace has been standing all along. She can not see God.

BRUCE
Oh, ah,
(to God)
She can’t…
(God shakes his head,
back to Grace)
I just, ah, needed a little fresh
air.

Bruce fakes a couple big breaths.

GRACE
Bruce, what is going on? The second
I want to talk about us you run out
on me.

GOD
(to Bruce)
Everything’s great, huh?

BRUCE
I wasn’t running out on you…

GRACE
You know, I actually had the crazy
idea that you were going to ask me
to marry you tonight.

GOD
Now it’s heating up.

BRUCE
(to God)
You are not helping.
(back to Grace)
…me at all here, Grace.

GOD
(sarcastic)
Nice recovery.

Bruce looks to God to shut up.

GRACE
Not helping you what?

BRUCE
(to Grace)
Look hun, I want to talk about this.
This just isn’t a good time. Okay?

GRACE
When is it a good time? It’s never a
good time.

GOD
She’s got a point.

BRUCE
(to God)
Stay out of this.

Grace looks at him like he’s nuts.

GRACE
Who are you talking to?!

Just then, the WHISPERS start in again. Bruce reacts.

BRUCE
Oh, not now.

Bruce puts his hands to his ears. Grace takes this as him
not wanting to listen to her.

GOD
You’re going to have to answer those
things, y’know.

GRACE
Fine. You know what? I’m going to go
home and if by some miracle it
suddenly becomes a ‘good time’, you
know where to find me.
(starts out, then)
And speaking of time, you’re running
out of it.

Grace heads back into the restaurant. Bruce stands completely
frustrated.

BRUCE
(to God)
Thank you.

GOD
You want some friendly advice?

BRUCE
No.

God smiles.

GOD
You wanted the job, Bruce. I suggest
you get to it.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – DAY

Grace is asleep in the bedroom while Bruce paces in the living
room.

BRUCE
Okay… Prayers.

He concentrates for a second and in an instant, the WHISPERS
start in.

BRUCE
Okay, first off, this creepy whisper
thing has got to go.
(paces)
Organization and management. I need
a system. Something concrete…
(an idea)
Prayer Files!
(commands)
Let all prayers be organized into
files.

Bruce WAVES HIS HAND —

Instantly, the room is JAMMED FULL OF FILE CABINETS.

BRUCE
Too bulky. Ah! Prayer post-its!

Instantly, the files are gone and millions of POST-IT’S,
EACH WITH A PERSON’S PRAYER REQUEST begin slapping down
attaching themselves to everything in the room. Bruce himself
becomes a big post-it mummy. He pulls the one covering his
mouth.

BRUCE
Sloppy.
(an idea)
Ah!

CUT TO:

Bruce sits before a High Tech computer sitting on a desktop.
We HEAR the famous “You’ve Got Mail” sound bite.

BRUCE
Welcome to the information super
highway. No mess, full bless.

A COMPUTER PROGRESS BAR titled “Downloading Prayers” appears
on screen, there’s a long, long way to go.

Bruce watches and waits, bored — looks at his watch.

DISSOLVE TO:

BRUCE – MORNING

He’s fallen asleep by the computer. As he wakes he sees:
“1,567,432 unread messages”

BRUCE
Whoa.

Suddenly, Grace bounds out of the bathroom.

GRACE
Okay, this is getting ridiculous!

Grace’s boobs are enormous! A healthy D-cup.

GRACE
I have to see a doctor. There’s
definitely something wrong with me.

Bruce jumps up from the computer, hides what he’s doing…

BRUCE
No. You look great.

GRACE
I look like a hooker! My whole body
is changing.

She turns profile, her back sways causing her ass to stick
out.

GRACE
My back didn’t used to arch like
this.

Bruce gets up, walks to Grace.

BRUCE
I think you look amazing.

GRACE
Bruce, I feel like our relationship
is becoming all about sex.

BRUCE
No it’s not. Come on, give me a hug.

GRACE
No, Bruce. Come on.

She breaks away and sees the computer is on.

GRACE
What’s that? What are you doing?

Bruce tries to cover.

BRUCE
Oh, ah. Nothing. Surfing the
internet… for stories…

GRACE
Is this why you didn’t come to bed?

BRUCE
No, ah… Honey, you’re going to be
late.

GRACE
No, I’m not.

Bruce looks over Grace’s shoulder and ADJUSTS THE CLOCK FORTY
MINUTES FORWARD. Grace turns and is surprised.

GRACE
Oh my gosh! How did I sleep this
late? I’ve got to run. Are you giving
me a ride?

BRUCE
Don’t need to.

Bruce motions to the window. Grace walks over, looks out and
sees…

A NEW SPORTY RED CONVERTIBLE wrapped in a WHITE BOW.

BRUCE
Happy two months and four days before
your birthday.

GRACE
(gasps)
You’re crazy. Can we afford that?

BRUCE
I’ll work it out. Just trust me.

Bruce dangles the keys in front of her eyes.

GRACE
If you’re trying to buy your way out
of the hot water you’re in, it’s not
working…
(Looks at the car)
Well, it’s working a little…

Bruce smiles.

CUT TO:

GRACE DRIVES OFF IN HER NEW CAR

Bruce turns away from the window, gets back to the computer.

BRUCE
Okay. Let’s start with something
easy.
(typing)
Find: Sports… Sabers.
(reading)
Please make the Sabers win the
playoffs, good. Please, please let
the Red Wings beat the Sabers.

Bruce puzzles over the two prayers. Starts typing.

BRUCE
Yes to you, loyal Sabers fan. And no
to you.
(typing)
And your goalie has turrets.

Bruce smiles, this is fun.

MUSIC UP: MIC JAGGER “GOD GIVE ME EVERYTHING I WANT”

MONTAGE – BRUCE ANSWERS PRAYERS CLOSE ON COMPUTER SCREEN

EMAILS SCROLL, STOP AT:

Filbert Davidson RE: GYM CLASS.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM – ROPE CLIMBING DRILL – DAY

A BULLY taunts a FAT KID WITH HORN RIMMED GLASSES.

ANGLE BRUCE – WATCHING FROM THE BLEACHERS.

The FAT KID nervously grabs the rope and much to his surprise,
he CLIMBS IT LIKE STALLONE IN CLIFF HANGER. Bruce is in the
stands, pleased. He flicks his finger upward and the BULLY’S
gym shorts SHOOT UP HIS BUTT CRACK — a supernatural wedgy.

Filbert flexes his flabby arm, amazed.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON – COMPUTER SCREEN E-MAIL

ESTER MAHA RE: BANKRUPTCY

INT. BANK OFFICE – DAY

Bruce looks in the bank window and sees a very stressed,
ESTER sitting in the loan officer’s office, tears in her
eyes. As she opens her purse for a tissue, IT IS FULL OF
CASH. She registers shock and joy.

BRUCE
Ask and ye shall receive.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON – COMPUTER SCREEN E-MAIL

Bella Winters. RE: PARKING.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Close on a middle-aged woman driving a car in a parking lot.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN
Please let me find a space.

She drives right by Bruce who smiles…

BRUCE
Knock, and the door shall be open…

Bruce makes a KNOCKING MOTION and…

ANGLE – HANDICAPPED SPACES

All the signs fall off their post. The painted wheelchair
symbols on the pavement animate WHEELING THEMSELVES OFF THE
SPACES. She pulls into the now open spaces.

EXT. PRISON YARD – DAY

Bruce watches a stickball game in progress. One PRISONER
chases a batted ball to the prison wall revealing a HUGE
HOLE to freedom.

PRISONER
(looks heavenward)
Thank you, God.

EXT. BEASLEY CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

Construction workers stand staring down in awe as woman after
woman on the sidewalk below, STOP, RAISE THEIR TOPS AND FLASH
THEM.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Thank you, God.

INT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE – DAY

Grace bends over to help with a craft, revealing ample
cleavage.

ANGLE – MARTIN AND THE OTHER BOYS STARING AT HER, EYES WIDE.

MARTIN
Gracias, dios.
(Subtitles read: Thank
you, God.)
He shovels a scoop of paste in his
mouth.

CLOSE ON: COMPUTER KEYBOARD

Bruce’s hands typing responses. His fingers move faster and
faster.

FRAGMENT MONTAGE OF OVERLAPPING IMAGERY – TEXT AND VISUALS:

“I want to be bigger” text and dissolve to a young man growing
six inches. He smiles wide -�

Close up computer text snippets dissolve over one another:

“Please help my stock go up” “…my stock…” “…make a
killing in the market…”

Then another “I want to be bigger” this time dissolve to a
grown man, peeks down his pants, smiles wide �-

EXT. BUFFALO CITY STREETS – DAY

Bruce walks along head high, FULL OF HIMSELF. He audibly
hears snippets of prayers, snapping off responses.

VARIOUS PEDESTRIANS
I’ve got to find a better job…
Come on light, turn… God, I wish I
were thinner…

BRUCE
Promotion with 15% raise… It’s
green… Donuts are now healthy…

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – DAY

Bruce sits at the computer, looks at the total prayer
requests, his jaw drops. 3 MILLION and growing.

BRUCE
Oh, come on. What a bunch of whiners.
This is going to suck up my whole
life.

Bruce gets an idea, pulls down a menu on the computer,
highlights “ANSWER ALL” types in the word “YES” and hits
enter.

The computer takes over, ANSWERING EACH EMAIL AUTOMATICALLY.

Bruce smiles and gets up.

CLOSE ON – THE COMPUTER SCREEN

We see the list scroll by, everything from “LOST CAT” to
“MORE MONEY” “MAKE ME SMARTER” “MAKE ME THINNER,” ETC. “YES”
“SEND”, “YES” “SEND” and on and on.

MUSIC OUT/END MONTAGE

INT. EYEWITNESS NEWS STATION – JACK’S OFFICE – DAY

ON JACK

Very uncomfortable, struggles for the right words as he’s
firing somebody.

JACK
Look this isn’t easy for me. We’re
starting to get some complaints and…
Well, Bobby, things just aren’t
working out.

JACK’S POV

Bobby’s demon-looking head, slowly ROTATES 360 DEGREES ON
HIS NECK.

JACK
(scared)
An, you can keep the cart if you
like.

We can SEE BOBBY’S BREATH NOW.

BOBBY
(deep demonic voice)
Thanks. I’ve grown kind of attached
to it.

EXT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE – DAY

Bruce pulls up, Grace, her BODY BACK TO NORMAL, walks up and
hops in, happy.

GRACE
Look! I’m back to normal. It was the
wildest thing, I was worried, so I
said a prayer and the next thing I
know, I was completely healed. It
was like a miracle.

BRUCE
(fakes happy)
That’s great.

GRACE
So, you’re taking me to lunch? This
is rare -�
(catches herself)
But wonderful.

BRUCE
Oh, I’ve got something better than
lunch.

Bruce pulls out. They drive off.

GRACE (O.S.)
Oh, you’ll never believe it. Debbie
won the lottery!

BRUCE (O.S.)
Really?

GRACE (O.S.)
But get this, there were like 433
thousand other winners, so it only
paid out 17 dollars. Can you believe
the odds of that?

EXT. UPSCALE HOME – DAY

Bruce leads her out of the car.

BRUCE
Keep ’em closed…

GRACE
(laughing)
What is this?

EXT. UPSCALE HOME – DAY

Bruce leads Grace through the gates.

BRUCE
Okay… open your eyes.

Grace does and sees A STAGGERING MANSION.

GRACE
Wow. This is a bit overwhelming.

BRUCE
I know, it’s incredible. Come on in,
look.

INT. MANSION

As amazing as it is, its interior design is way over the top
ritzy. Painted ceilings, gold trim everywhere.

GRACE
(laughing)
This place is hilarious. Are you
doing a story here?

BRUCE
(coy)
No. Guess again?

Grace turns to Bruce confused.

BRUCE
It’s mine… ours.

GRACE
What?

BRUCE
(beaming)
This is our new home. Come on…

Bruce pulls Grace up the stairs.

GRACE
This had to cost — I can’t even
imagine how much this had to cost.

BRUCE
7 million. That was the asking, but
I got a deal.

GRACE
Wh — What am I missing here? You
can’t afford this. You’re a reporter.
Buying cars is one thing, but this —

Bruce grabs a hold of Grace.

BRUCE
We’ll have the money. Listen to me
closely. I’m getting anchor. Then,
I’m going to get spotted, offers
will come flooding in to go national,
and then you and I are moving to New
York City to a place that will put
this to shame. This has been my exact
dream my whole life and it’s finally
going to happen. Every step just how
I pictured it.

Grace just stares at Bruce.

GRACE
There’s only one problem.

BRUCE
What?

GRACE
I hate it.

Bruce is surprised.

GRACE
What were you thinking? Why didn’t
you talk to me about this?

BRUCE
I wanted to surprise you.

GRACE
Mission accomplished.

BRUCE
Honestly, I thought you’d be a little
more appreciative.

GRACE
Appreciative of what? The fact that
you didn’t include me on a major
life decision or that we now live in
the Sultan of Bernai’s house?

BRUCE
(under his breath)
Like pearls to swine.

GRACE
What is that supposed to mean?

BRUCE
Let those with ears hear.

GRACE
What is happening to you? You’re
changing.

BRUCE
Exactly. For the better. I’m not
poor and struggling. And maybe that
threatens you. I’m telling you, there
are plenty of women who would love
this place.

GRACE
Yeah, and so would their pimps.

BRUCE
I can’t believe this. I did all this
for us.

GRACE
Us? What us? You always said when
your career takes off we’d get
married. What happened to that us?

BRUCE
I want that.

GRACE
‘That’. You can’t even say the word.

BRUCE
Marriage, I want marriage, okay.
It’s just not a great time right
now.

GRACE
Not a great time. What is that, your
mantra? This is never going to
change…

Grace heads down the stairs.

BRUCE
Come on Grace, lighten up. Tomorrow’s
Saturday. The office is throwing me
a party here, for getting anchor.
Let’s enjoy the ride for a while.
We’re just starting to have some
fun.

GRACE
No, you’re just starting to have
fun.

Suddenly, the TOILET FLUSHES off camera. Grace sees Sam in
the bathroom spraying some deodorizer before he exits.

GRACE
And what in God’s name is going on
with that dog!?

Grace pulls her cell phone out of her purse, heads for the
door.

GRACE
I’m going to have Debbie pick me up.

BRUCE
Grace.

GRACE
I’m sorry, but I won’t be attending
your little party tomorrow. And if
you would like to see me after I
will be at our home.

She starts out.

GRACE
Oh, and that poor, struggling guy
you talked about? I miss him.

ON BRUCE – BUMMED

PARTY MUSIC UP:

INT. UPSCALE HOME – NIGHT

The PARTY OF PARTIES is in order. The place is jam packed
with co-workers, fellow reporters, and various news contacts
Everyone is in an ecstatic mood, many prayers having been
recently answered. We MOVE THROUGH THE PARTY and hear snippets
of various conversations.

BUSINESSMAN
I’ll drink to that! My tech stocks
tripled in five days.

They clink glasses.

WOMAN
You seem taller.

JOE
I am!

FATHER TYPE
My son pitched a no hitter!

HEAVYISH WOMAN
I lost 47 lbs on the Krispy Kreme
diet.

ON SAM

Walking on his hind legs, delivers a cold beer to Bruce.

ON BRUCE

Well on his way to plastered, takes a swig, then glances at
the beer.

BRUCE
(to Sam)
Hello…
(pointing to bottle)
Corona. Lime next time?

Sam walks away, his tail between his legs.

Bruce maneuvers down the hall dancing, high-fiving, drunkenly
accepting the praise coming at him from all sides.

PARTIERS
There he is… The man!… All hail
our new anchor!

BRUCE
Bless you. Bless you.

PARTYING SPORTS GUY
Hey Bruce, who do you like in the
game tonight?

BRUCE
Put your money on the Sabers. Coach
prays a lot.

A FRENCH WAITER approaches Bruce.

FRENCH WAITER
Ah, Mr. Nolan, we’re running out of
hors doerves. I’m afraid we under-
ordered, sir. And the people are
hungry.

BRUCE
What do you have left?

The Waiter holds up a small basket.

FRENCH WAITER
Only three chips and two shrimp.

BRUCE
(confident)
Just take it around.

The Waiter gets a confused look.

CUT TO:

CHIPS OVERFLOWING, SHRIMP SPILLING OUT OF BASKETS, HANDS
REACHING GLUTTONOUSLY FOR THE BOUNTY.

The Waiter walks along amazed as handfuls of shrimp and chips
are pulled from the small basket.

Partiers crowd around Bruce, start to chant.

CROWD
Speech! Speech! Speech!

Bruce takes center stage, quiets the crowd.

BRUCE
I’d thank you all for coming, but
the liquor is free so maybe you should
THANK ME!

Everyone laughs.

BRUCE
And now let me tell you a story.
There was a man who had two sons.
The younger son took his inheritance
and squandered his money on a life
of lust and debauchery. I LOVE THAT
GUY!!

Everyone throws their hands up and continues to party.

Bruce’s big smile fades. He looks around the room, hoping to
spot Grace. He grabs a phone, walks out to the balcony, dials —

He gets their answering machine, hears their outgoing message
together from happier times. He hangs up.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Hey there.

Bruce turns, sees SUSAN ORTEGA, completely stunning in a
sexy dress.

SUSAN
Hi Bruce. What are you doing out
here all alone?

BRUCE
Oh, ah, I was calling Grace.

SUSAN
Yeah, I didn’t see her in there. I
love the new place, by the way. So
how are you and Grace doing?

BRUCE
I don’t know, we had a fight earlier.
Ever since I… Well, things are
different now and…

SUSAN
You’re on fire Bruce. Some women
can’t handle fire. Some can.

Susan smooths close to Bruce.

SUSAN
You know, I always had an instinct
about you. I knew you were going to
make something of yourself.

BRUCE
Really?

SUSAN
There’s something special about you
Bruce. I like special…

BRUCE
Look Susan, I don’t know, I -�

Susan grabs Bruce, kisses him passionately. Bruce doesn’t
join in, but doesn’t fight it either.

ANGLE – THE FRONT DOOR

Grace and Debbie enter.

DEBBIE
So this is your new place, huh?

GRACE
Cozy, don’t you think? Come on help
me find him.

They head into the room.

DEBBIE
You sure you want to do this?

GRACE
I don’t know. It’s his big night. I
don’t want to spoil it. I know how
much this means to him.

DEBBIE
So much for lashing back…

Grace stops dead in her tracks. Her face drops.

GRACE’S POV – BRUCE, still lip-locked with Susan Ortega.

DEBBIE
Oh, boy.

Bruce turns and sees Grace.

BRUCE
Grace, I…

GRACE
(Fighting back tears)
Get the car, Deb.

DEBBIE
Right.

BRUCE
Grace, wait.

Grace follows Debbie out.

EXT. UPSCALE HOME – NIGHT

Bruce follows Grace outside.

BRUCE
Grace, come on.

Grace stops, opens her purse, tosses the keys to her new car
in Bruce’s chest.

GRACE
Here. I don’t want your car. I don’t
want your things… I don’t want
you.

BRUCE
Come on, don’t say that. I was just
calling you -�

GRACE
And you thought Susan’s mouth was
the phone?

BRUCE
I didn’t think you were coming -� I
mean, I… I screwed up, okay. Let
me make it up to you.

GRACE
How about a boat, Bruce?

BRUCE
If that’s what you want.

GRACE
Yeah, a big boat and oh, maybe two
bags of cash, you know, the ones
with the big cartoon dollar signs on
the front. Then I’ll be happy. Because
I’m just hollow inside. Debbie’s
been right. All this time. I defended
you, told her there was good in you.
Another side to you. Well, I just
saw that other side and I don’t want
anything to do with it.

Debbie pulls up, Grace storms off to the car. Bruce follows,

BRUCE
Grace, come on, don’t do this.

GRACE
Go back to your little co-anchor. Or
is that ho-anchor?
(tearing)
I came back here to apologize. How
stupid am I?

Grace turns and heads to the car.

BRUCE
You’re the one that didn’t like the
new place!

Grace gets in, slams the door.

BRUCE
You can’t walk out on me! I’m the
alpha, lady! I’m the Omega!

Debbie peels out.

BRUCE
(desperate last attempt)
I could make you stay!

Bruce is left alone in the middle of the street.

BRUCE
Fine! I don’t need you! I have
everything I need. Did you hear that?!
(yelling)
I have EVERYTHING!

INT. UPSCALE HOME – MOMENTS LATER

Bruce walks in, Susan is waiting for him.

SUSAN
I was right. She couldn’t handle the
fire.

Bruce looks at Susan with disgust, then glances to a FIRE
ALARM on the wall, mentally TRIGGERS IT. The sprinklers turn
on, as well. People scream, rush toward the exit.

Bruce sits down on the sofa, being rained on by the
sprinklers, alone. He finally plops back and God is sitting
next to him.

GOD
Enjoying your party? Yeah, nothing
like spending time with some real
friends. Any shrimp left?

BRUCE
Grace left me.

GOD
I know.

BRUCE
(certain)
She’ll take me back.
(uncertain)
Will she take me back?

GOD
Would you take you back?

Bruce mulls this over, then…

BRUCE
How do you make someone love you
when you can’t effect free will?

GOD
Welcome to my world, son. You come
up with an answer to that one, you
let me know.

Off of Bruce thinking…

CUT TO:

INT. DEBBIE AND MIKE’S HOUSE – MORNING

Grace’s alarm goes off. The radio comes on and it plays a
John Cougar Mellencamp song. But the lyrics are different.

JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP
Here’s a little ditty, about Grace
and her man Bruce, two Americans
growing up, needing to make a truce.

Grace’s eyes pop open. Is she dreaming?

EXT. DEBBIE’S HOUSE

Bruce hides behind a hedge, watches Grace jog past.

ON GRACE

notices something CARVED IN THE TREE it reads: “GRACE +
BRUCE”. Carved in the next tree, “A COUPLE FOR THE AGES”.

Carved in the next tree, “COME ON ALREADY, GIVE HIM ANOTHER
CHANCE”. She does a double take, continues on.

INT. COFFEE SHOP

Grace reaches in her purse to pay for her coffee and a bunch
of PICTURES FALL OUT. They are all of Bruce and Grace. She
thinks, definitely didn’t put them there.

INT. SMALL WONDER’S DAY CARE – DAY

Grace is helping one of the kids, when she notices something
outside the window. It’s a cloud formation that strangely
looks like BRUCE (in profile) HOLDING HANDS WITH GRACE. She
reacts as the imagery melts away into a very faint “FORGIVE
HIM.”

EXT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE – LATER

Grace is talking with one of the other teachers. The kids,
playing dodgeball in the background, laugh and scream louder
and louder. Grace turns and sees…

Bruce getting pelted by multiple balls.

BRUCE
Okay, surrender, surrender.

He walks over to Grace.

BRUCE
Hi.

GRACE
Hi…

BRUCE
I, ah, have my first anchor tonight.

GRACE
That’s great. I hope it goes well
for you.

He’s hit in the head by a ball. Grace can’t help but smiles
Bruce leaps at the opportunity.

BRUCE
I miss you.
(off her silence)
I just took the first step, shot
myself out on the ledge, awaiting
vulnerably your response.

GRACE
…I don’t know what to say.

BRUCE
How about you love me and you’ll
take me back.

GRACE
No, Bruce.

BRUCE
Come on, what about all the signs?

GRACE
What? How do you know about that?
Did you talk to Debbie?

BRUCE
(beat)
Would it help if I told you I acted
like an ass?

Martin is standing nearby.

MARTIN
Hey, you said ass.

BRUCE
It’s okay as long as you mean a
donkey. I didn’t add “hole.” It’s
only bad when you say “ass-ho —

GRACE
Alright, inside, Martin.
(to the others)
Okay everyone, inside.

The kids race in. Grace starts to follow.

BRUCE
Grace, please. None of this seems
right without you.
(off her reaction)
Is that a glimmer of hope I see?

GRACE
I have to go…

She starts off…

BRUCE
Wait.

Bruce DRAMATICALLY RAISES A HAND TOWARD GRACE, like putting
a love spell on her.

BRUCE
Now how do you feel?

She looks at him, oddly.

GRACE
…Are you out of your mind? Have
you been drinking?

BRUCE
Drinking? Sure. I’m drunk with POWER.

Bruce RAISES BOTH HANDS IN FULL HEXING FASHION…

BRUCE
…LOVE ME!!!

GRACE
(a beat)
You need help.

She heads back inside. Bruce throws his hands in the air,
frustrated.

EXT. SMALL WONDER’S PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

Bruce heads for his car as he sees a two guys in PRISON SUITS
(from the prison yard) drive off with it.

BRUCE
Hey!! That’s my car!!

INT. BRUCE’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

The PRISONERS drive off laughing.

PRISONER #1
Ha, nice wheels, huh?

BRUCE sits up in the back seat.

BRUCE
Thou shalt not steal.

The prisoners JUMP.

BRUCE
Car, show them the way out.

Instantly, the car doors fly open and the seats tilt sideways
dumping the prisoners.

BRUCE
What is wrong with the world?

INT. EYEWITNESS NEWS STATION – TV STUDIO

ON A TV MONITOR

NEWS ANCHOR #1
The Dow skyrocketed again today and
with a new influx of paper
millionaires, analysts are warning
of a potential run on banks…

We see a stock graph superimposed on the screen with a
ludicrous jump straight up off the charts.

CHANNEL CHANGES TO:

NEWS ANCHOR #2
The scene nearly turned violent when
hundreds of disgruntled Buffalo
residents protested the results of
lasts weeks fluke lottery results…

CHANNEL CHANGES TO:

NEWS ANCHOR #3
…another 37 arrests today at the
Beasley Construction Site for indecent
exposure…

We see women getting pulled away one by one into police vans,
after they flash their tops. In the background, a “Girl’s
Gone Wild” van is there rolling tape of each flashing.

ON JACK

JACK
The world’s gone mad.

Jack clicks off the monitor. Bruce hustles in from make-up.

An air of forced confidence about him. Nothing and no one is
going to ruin his big moment.

JACK
Oh, there you are. Your big debut.
How you feeling?

BRUCE
You know what? I’m good. The show
must go on.

Bruce sits in the anchor desk, breathes in the reality.

SUSAN
(whispers)
Bruce, if I had any idea Grace was
going to be there last night…

BRUCE
Susan, you didn’t do anything wrong.
In fact, I found the moment rather
pleasurable.

Susan shudders, tries to compose himself.

SUSAN
(flustered)
Oh, really… that’s nice.

JACK
Okay, the Sabers just won the Stanley
Cup. It’s getting pretty crazy out
there. We’re going to kick live to
Fred at the stadium. Oh, and Bruce,
you won the pool again. Exact score,
dead on. Twenty-three to one, who
would have thought. In five, four…

STAGE MANAGER

JACK
This is it, you good?

Bruce nods, straightens in his chair, prepares for his dream

ON THE MONITOR

The Eyewitness News opening plays, then fades away to Bruce
and Susan.

SUSAN
I’m Susan Ortega.

BRUCE
I’m Bruce Nolan and here’s what’s
making news -�

And the screen goes to STATIC. Lights dim in the studio.

JACK
What happened? What the hell happened?

The Stage Manager listens to his wire.

STAGE MANAGER
We lost the signal. It’s another
power surge.

JACK
Aw, geez. Ever since that damn
asteroid hit.

The power comes back up.

STAGE MANAGER
We’re back.

SUSAN
We apologize for the interruption,
and now back to the news. Bruce…

BRUCE
Thank you, Susan -�

Susan gets a feed in her earpiece.

SUSAN
I’m sorry, we’re going live to Rupp
arena where the Buffalo Sabers have
won the Stanley cup. Fred…

Bruce is noticeably bothered.

CUT TO:

INT. SABERS LOCKEROOM

Fred is with the coach. The team is celebrating, champagne
rains down.

FRED
Thank’s Susan. I’m here with coach
Tucker who has lead the Sabers to
their first championship in 22
years…

ON BRUCE’S mounting frustration. He gives a look.

FRED
Tell me coach…

Fred’s face registers A PAINED LOOK. He tries to keep it
together. A beat of silence…

FRED
(quickly)
I have to use the restroom.

He drops the mic and runs out. Off the coach’s puzzled look…

INT. NEWS STATION

JACK
What the hell?

Bruce covers.

BRUCE
We’ll get back to the Saber victory
in just a moment. In other news -�

Again, STATIC… Jack tosses his headset.

JACK
Oh, for the love of God! What is it
now?

The Stage Manager again listens to his wire.

STAGE MANAGER
The whole booth is down.

CRASH! A BRICK flies through a front window. Bruce turns to
see…

EXT. DOWNTOWN – NIGHT

A FULL ON RIOT in progress. College students, city dwellers
going crazy. Cars are burning, people are out of control.

Escaped convicts are running in and out of stores looting
right alongside ordinary citizens.

The Kowolski brothers and Momma Kowolski are helpless against
the onslaught as pillagers run out of the bakery carrying
cakes, pies, bread — whatever they can get their hands on.

Bruce stumbles through the mayhem, confused.

BRUCE
What’s going on?

COLLEGE KIDS
Partying, man. Woooo!!!! Sabers !!

They continue to trash the area.

BRUCE
But your team won!

Cars are being rolled over. A lone POLICE OFFICER protects
himself with his shield as he’s pelted with various debris.

The Officer PULLS BRUCE down behind a car.

POLICE OFFICER
Stay down.

BRUCE
Where are the other officers?

POLICE OFFICER
What other officers? Half the force
just retired. Said their “ship came
in.” You better get home pal. It’s
dangerous out here.

The Officer heads out. Bruce stands, then quickly DUCKS, as
a bottle is tossed through a window that has a lotto sticker
on it.

RIOTER
The lottery sucks! I only won 17
bucks!

BACK TO SCENE

Bruce looks up at a burning building with a flaming “Mr.
Exclusive” billboard above — it comes CRASHING DOWN. Bruce
looks out over the rioters.

ON BRUCE

We see the anger build in his face, like Moses looking down
on the Israelites. He RAISES HIS ARMS. DARK CLOUDS SWIRL IN
THE SKY. WIND BLOWS. LIGHTENING CRACKS.

BRUCE
Hear, O’ Buffalo, you have awakened
my wrath. Vengeance is mine!

A BOLT OF LIGHTENING shoots right into the middle of the
rioters, scattering them. People flee in every direction as
THUNDER CRASHES and lightning bolts continue to strike.

Bruce stands alone in the street, surveys the smoldering
mayhem, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out the key
God gave him. He grips it tightly and…

INT. OMNI PRESENTS – NIGHT

Bruce stands there, sees God as he originally found him,
mopping. God looks up at Bruce, not surprised to see him.

BRUCE
They’re all out of control. I don’t
know what to do.

GOD
You mind giving me a hand with this
floor first?

Off Bruce’s look…

DISSOLVE TO:

LATER

Bruce’s sleeves rolled up, mopping next to God.

GOD
“Poor man wanna be rich, rich man
wanna be king, king’s dissatisfied
’cause he rules everything…”
(to Bruce)
Springsteen. I like a little Boss in
my head while I’m workin’…

They finish up. God looks back at the sparkling floor,
satisfied.

GOD
There we go. Wonderful thing. No
matter how filthy something gets, it
can always be cleaned right up.

God collects Bruce’s mop.

BRUCE
What happened? I gave everyone what
they wanted.

God sets the mops down.

GOD
Since when does anyone have a clue
about what they want?

God holds up a REMOTE AND CLICKS, changing the room into the
DINER where Bruce first parted his soup. (NOTE: Whenever the
room “changes” we’re actually still in the room, but seeing
a full projection of an environment on the walls and columns)

The older waitress, Ginnie, clears some dishes…

GOD
Remember Ginnie?

Ginnie bends down behind the counter and when she comes back
up she is a hot 21 YEAR OLD.

GOD
Ginnie thought she lost her beauty
when she got older. I’m trying to
convince her otherwise.

Ginnie bends down again, and when she comes back up, she is
HER OLDER SELF again.

God clicks the remote, changing the environment into a SCHOOL
YARD. We see the grade school where Filbert Davis, the boy
Bruce helped up the rope, is in a fight.

GOD
Ah yes, Filbert. Brilliant young
man. He was going to be a great poet.
The soul of his work would have been
built out of his hardships. He would
have touched millions.
(feigns cheery)
But now he’s headed for a career as
a professional wrestler.

God clicks, changing the environment into a CONDO. We see a
lonely woman (who found the cash in her purse) sitting
depressed, rocking in a chair.

GOD
Ester Maha. I love Ester. Ester was
bankrupt. She was going to have to
eat her pride and call her sister.
Would’ve got the two of them together
again. Instead, she bought a condo
in Florida.

God clicks the remote again…

GOD
(recalling Bruce’s
own words)
And have you seen the news lately?

We see footage of the ARCTIC SEA and NORTH AND SOUTH POLES…

NEWSCASTER #1
Scientists believe last weeks asteroid
may have knocked the earth off it’s
axis resulting in the rapid
acceleration of the melting of the
polar caps…

Click. More footage of FLOODWATERS and RISING TIDES…

NEWSCASTER #2
And more tidal wave activity reported
and resulting in devastating floods
all tied to last weeks abnormal lunar
activity…

Click. We see footage of DECIMATED CROPS.

NEWSCASTER #2
That swarm of locusts spotted in
Buffalo has multiplied, wreaking
havoc on local agricultural crops.
Food and produce prices are expected
to skyrocket.

GOD
(to Bruce, again using
Bruce’s words)
Now what kind of a God let’s that
happen?

God clicks the images off.

GOD
Not as easy as it looks, is it? This
God business.

BRUCE
So what do I do?

God smiles, asks him again what he asked him in the alley…

GOD
You want some advice?

BRUCE
Yes.

God smiles, starts to walk away…

GOD
Everybody wants a miracle, Bruce.
Want me to do everything for ’em.
But what they don’t understand is,
they’re the one’s holding the power.

God claps the bright ceiling light on, walks over to the
latter.

BRUCE
Wait. Where are you going?

GOD
This is good-bye, Bruce. You’ve
learned a lot. I think you should be
able to handle things now.

God climbs, ascending into the light.

BRUCE
What if I have a question? What if I
need you?

God stops, looks down to Bruce.

GOD
See Bruce, that’s your problem. That’s
everybody’s problem. You keep looking
up…

He smiles and disappears into the light, leaves Bruce
thinking.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – DAY

Bruce stands in the apartment, Sam at his side. No signs of
Grace. The bed is made. Empty.

Then, he notices the BOX OF PHOTOS, the incomplete albums.

He picks up a photo of he and Grace in an even tinier
apartment, Sam is a puppy, they have little money, and despite
it all look very happy. Bruce smiles at the memory.

Reaches for a stack of photos…

EXT. CITY STREETS – MORNING

Bruce sits in bumper to bumper traffic. A man’s car is broken
down in the middle of the street causing the bottleneck.

Bruce sees THE SIGN GUY by the side of the road. His sign
reads: ALL FOR WON.

Bruce looks out at the other drivers honking and shouting at
the frustrated man.

CUT TO – the stalled car is now rolling to the shoulder and
we REVEAL that Bruce is doing the pushing.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT

THE COMPUTER

The auto-function is answering “YES” to the prayer emails.

Bruce clicks cancel, turns off the computer.

INT. SCHOOL YARD

Filbert Davis is beating up another kid. Bruce watches at a
distance.

BRUCE
Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away.

Suddenly, Filbert goes to throw a punch but his punch has no
sting. The bigger boy looks down and grins.

CLOSE ON FILBERT – SUDDEN FEAR IN HIS EYES

INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM

The teacher stands before the class, reading a student’s
paper.

TEACHER
“Pain”. By Filbert Davis.

As she reads the poem, PAN TO Filbert Davis seated in class
with a ripe BLACK EYE.

EXT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – MORNING

Bruce is waiting for Sam to pee.

BRUCE
Come on, Sam. Let’s do this the right
way… Oh, alright…

Bruce pulls out a SWATCH OF CARPET, lays it on the grass.

Sam happily goes. They walk off together.

BRUCE
That’s not normal you know.

INT. HARDWARE STORE – DAY

Bobby places three blue home address number tiles on the
counter — all number 6.

BOBBY
(demonic voice)
Do you have these in red?

Bruce walks up behind Bobby.

BRUCE
Okay Bobby, it’s time to come back.

Bobby HISSES at Bruce, turns INSANELY DEMONIC.

BOBBY
LEAVE ME HOLY MAN OR I WILL FEED ON
YOUR SOUL!!!

BRUCE
(casual)
Un-damn you, Bobby.

Bobby instantly transforms to normal.

BOBBY
Hey thanks, Bruce.
(holds out a cookie)
Biscotti?

INT. NEWSROOM – DAY

Evan is packing his things at his desk, still looking much
worse for the wear. Bruce walks up to him.

EVAN
You’re probably here to gloat over
the anchor position. Go ahead, I’m
sure I deserve it.

BRUCE
You know, Evan. I’ve been a real
prick.

Evan stops, looks up at Bruce, confused.

BRUCE
You were born to anchor. I’m not
taking the position. Oh, and I never
really congratulated you on getting
the job in the first place.
Congratulations, Evan.

Bruce offers his hand, Evan takes it. When their hands meet,
there is a kind of ELECTRICAL CHARGE that passes between
them. Bruce walks off, Evan is confused when he catches his
reflection in the mirror. HE’S BACK TO NORMAL!

INT. JACK’S OFFICE – LATER

ON TV

Evan is manning the anchor desk and looking good doing it.

Jack is relieved.

EVAN BAXTER
In the financial world, things are
settling back to normal in what
analysts are calling a fluke market
fluctuation…

Bruce enters.

BRUCE
You made the right choice, Jack.

JACK
So what about you? What will you do?

BRUCE
With your permission, I think I’ll
go out there and make the people
laugh. To quote a friend, “God knows
we could use it.”

Jack smiles.

JACK
Permission granted.

Bruce turns to go, then turns back.

BRUCE
Oh, are you hungry? I know a place
that makes a mean tomato soup.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Bruce walks along side Jack. Jack talks and talks, happy to
have the company. Bruce opens a door for Jack, leading to…

INT. DINER

Bruce and Jack take a seat at the counter.

WAITRESS (O.S.)
Coffee, gentlemen?

Jack and the waitress lock eyes — there’s an instant
attraction. Bruce smiles.

BRUCE
Jack. This is a friend of mine, Cindy.
Cindy this is Jack.

JACK
(smitten)
Hi.

CINDY
(smitten)
Hi.

EXT. EYEWITNESS NEWS STATION – DAY

ON THE HOMELESS SIGN GUY

HIS SIGN READS:

“GOD BEE GOOD HONEY”

PULL BACK to reveal BRUCE, sitting next to him with his own
sign reading:

“WHATEVER HE SAID”

With a little arrow pointing to the Homeless Sign Guy.

EXT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT – DUSK

Bruce paces, waiting for Sam.

BRUCE
You can do it, Sam. Without the
carpet. Come on.

Sam does. Bruce celebrates, does a happy dance and is
surprised to see Debbie standing there.

DEBBIE
(re: the peeing dog)
Looks like your rain dance worked.

BRUCE
Debbie. Hey. You know, I never got
to apologize for -�

DEBBIE
I didn’t really come to chat, I came
for Grace’s things.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’S APARTMENT

Debbie is packing items into a box. She sees the photo albums
on the coffee table. She flips through, surprised.

DEBBIE
They’re full… You did all this?

Bruce nods. Debbie looks at Bruce, sizing him up.

DEBBIE
You really hurt her, you know.

BRUCE
I know.

Debbie starts to go, but turns back.

DEBBIE
You know what I do before I go to
sleep every night? I tuck my kids in
bed, I eat a scoop of ice cream and
watch Conan. You know what Grace
does? She prays. Most of the time
for you.

This not only touches Bruce, but it gives him an idea.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE’ S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Bruce sits anxiously at the computer with Sam, checks the
emails and types in GRACE CONNELLY. He hits “search”. 1,273
entries appear.

BRUCE
The woman does pray a lot.

He types in “Grace and Bruce” and eagerly awaits. There are
335 matches. He checks a few…

“Dear God, please help Bruce to find himself, find
contentment, find You.”

“Dear God, please help Bruce. He’s struggling to find
meaning.”

“Dear God, help Bruce to be happy. He can’t seem to find his
way…”

Over and over, he finds the same prayer, the same entry every
morning and night for months on end.

Bruce is touched.

BRUCE
She still loves me, Buddy.

He KISSES SAM and races out.

EXT. DEBBIE HOUSE – NIGHT

Bruce stands in front of the house with flowers, another
special creation. He looks at the lavish bouquet, then sets
them down, picks a single, normal Daisy from the garden.

Better.

He heads for the door when he hears crying. It’s Grace. He
looks up, sees a light on in the upstairs guest room.

He climbs the fire escape and looks in the window.

GRACE is sitting on the bed crying. As Bruce watches her
cry, feeling her emotion, it starts to LIGHTLY RAIN.

GRACE
Please God. Please…

Through her tears she is praying. Bruce looks at her with
total love.

GRACE
Please God. I still love him…

Bruce smiles, thankful.

GRACE
…but I don’t want to love him
anymore. Please God. Help me to
forget.
(cries)
I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want
to forget.

Bruce just stands there, stunned. He gets it. He raises a
hand, and with a simple wave, he performs an excruciatingly
selfless act. He lets Grace go.

ON GRACE

Her face changes. She wipes her eyes. The pain is lifted.

And it is Bruce now who feels that pain. He looks at Grace.

A sad smile.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

Rain droplets splash on the river where Bruce first raged at
God. He stands in the middle of the street, looks up
heavenward, weakly. Humble.

BRUCE
You win. I’m done. Please. I don’t
want to do this anymore. I don’t
want to be God.
(sighs)
Please, help me.

And with that, the rain stops. The dark clouds slowly open
as beams of light cut through, shining down upon Bruce, birds
begin to chirp.adding to this magical moment as…

HONK! HONK!

A MAC TRUCK SLAMS THROUGH FRAME, MOWS BRUCE DOWN. His spirit
remains in the same spot, looking confused, then STREAKS UP
heavenward.

FLYING POV

SHOOTING HEAVENWARD like a missile, THROUGH THE CLOUDS,
THROUGH THE SKY to…

A HUGE WHITE ROOM — No walls, just white as far as the eye
can see. The flooring is the whitest of white puffy clouds.

Bruce finds himself standing there. He looks around and when
he turns behind him, he sees GOD. Floating on nothing, as
though sitting in the most royal throne.

BRUCE
Am I…?

GOD
You can’t expect to kneel down in
the middle of a highway and live to
talk about it.

BRUCE
But why? Why now?

GOD
I work in mysterious ways, son.

A beat as Bruce takes everything in.

BRUCE
You knew it all along. You knew if I
got everything I wanted, I would
ruin my life.

God doesn’t respond, just listens.

BRUCE
So I’m dead… Okay. If this is what
you want. Okay, okay…

God holds up the PRAYER BEADS, tosses them to Bruce. Bruce
looks at the beads, then up at God, puzzled.

GOD
Go ahead, use ’em.

BRUCE
Alright… I’ve learned that I don’t
know as much I thought I did…

GOD
Boy, you can say that again.

BRUCE
Hey, I’m praying here.

GOD
Sorry, go.

BRUCE
If I could have just one thing in
the world. It would be for Grace to
live a happy, joyful life. And that
she finds someone…
(getting emotional as
he realizes what
he’s saying)
…that she finds someone that will
treat her with the love and respect
that she so deserves.

God smiles the most satisfied of smiles.

GOD
Now that is a prayer.
(beat)
Well, I better get on that one. See
ya, Bruce.

Off Bruce’s puzzled reaction he DROPS THROUGH THE CLOUDS �-

FALLING POV – BACK DOWN TOWARDS EARTH, back THROUGH THE
CLOUDS, and right INTO ANOTHER WHITE ROOM where…

BRUCE EYES OPEN and he GASPS FOR BREATH. The PRAYER BEADS
still clutched tightly in his hand.

TWO DOCTORS stop giving Bruce CPR, see that his vitals have
returned…

NURSE
He’s back!

INTERN
BP 40 over 110 and rising.

DOCTOR #1
(to Bruce)
Bruce? Can you hear me?
(Bruce nods)
We almost lost you there.

WIDER ANGLE — The WHITE ROOM is a HOSPITAL ROOM — Bruce is
heavily bruised and bandaged.

DOCTOR #1
You lost a lot of blood. It wasn’t
easy to find a match — you’re a
very rare blood type.

Bruce looks to the blood bag, sees “A/B Positive” written on
the side.

CLOSE ON BRUCE – THINKING, HIS MIND RACING

BRUCE
(groggy whisper)
A/B Positive…

DOCTOR #2 (O.S.)
You should thank God for donors. We
don’t have a lot of that type on
hand.

NURSE
There’s your angel now.

Bruce turns toward the hospital door and sees…

GRACE

A cotton swab taped to her arm. Now he remembers where he
heard of that blood type.

GRACE
(re: her swab)
I hear that all of this winds up in
a warehouse somewhere. But you know
me, I’m a sucker for this stuff.

The doctors give Grace the nod to enter as they go, leaving
the two of them alone. Grace tentatively approaches.

GRACE
I don’t even know what I’m doing
here. But… When I heard that you’d
been in an accident and that you
might not make it…

She starts to cry.

BRUCE
Hey, I’m okay.

GRACE
Does it hurt?

BRUCE
Only when I talk, and smile… and
y’know, exist in general.

Grace laughs. That’s one thing Bruce could always do, is
make her laugh. Grace spots the prayer beads in Bruce’s hand,
raises his arm.

GRACE
Oh my gosh, you still have those?

Bruce looks at the prayer beads, then looks at Grace. He
remembers his prayer to God and the emotion wells within him

GRACE
What is it?

BRUCE
Nothing. It’s just really nice to
see you.

She goes to him, Bruce sits up a bit and they embrace.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CITY PARK – DAY

A BIG BLOOD DRIVE in progress. Everyone is there, Grace,
Sam, Debbie and Zoe, Ginnie and Jack, the Kowolski brothers,
Momma Kowolski, Evan, Susan, Dallas, Fred. Bobby serves
various food items from his cart.

BOBBY
You know, French Toast was invented
by tavern owner, Joseph French, who
had a poor knowledge of grammar, and
did not know how to use the possessive
apostrophe, so he called it French
Toast instead of French’s Toast…

Pull back to reveal BRUCE, crutch under one arm, cast on his
leg, mic in hand, reporting. He’s now talking in his OWN
VOICE, much more himself.

BRUCE
This is Bruce Nolan at Buffalo’s
first annual “Be the Miracle” blood
drive. Remember, the life you save
may be mine, so hurry down. I had a
close call and, well, can you imagine
what life would have been like without
me?

Laughs in the background, from the people that know Bruce.

Bruce walks over to the Kowolski Brothers.

BRUCE
In honor of this event, the Kowolski
brothers have baked a one-of-a-kind,
creation.

The brothers proudly unveil the special cookie and we see
that it’s a HUGE SYRINGE SHAPED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE.

BRUCE
Sure, a little creepy and a shameless
plug, but we love ’em.
(Bruce breaks off a
little piece, takes
a bite)
Mmm, good needle. Remember, that’s
Kowolski’s bakery. The bakery that
gets more air time than a high speed
chase.

Everyone laughs. The Kowolski brothers beam.

Bruce takes a seat as a VOLUNTEER NURSE pulls up his sleeve,
revealing the prayer beads worn around his wrist. She ties
off his arm, starts to probe for a vein.

BRUCE
To be honest, I’ve never been a big
fan of shots…

The volunteer now is swabbing Bruce’s arm and Bruce is
starting to sweat.

BRUCE
(nervous)
Okay, we’re good to go… They just
stick it into my arm. Breaking through
the skin, of course…

The volunteer pulls out the needle and Bruce PASSES OUT COLD.

Gasps, the Nurse leans close, total silence, then:

BRUCE
BLLLAAAA!

Bruce jolts awake making the Nurse and several people jump.

They all laugh.

BRUCE
Had you going, didn’t I!

He reacts to the nurse POKING the needle in. Everyone laughs
more.

BRUCE
No, this is nothing. In fact, this
is the second time I’ve given blood
this week. For those of you who
haven’t heard, I’d like you to meet
the soon to be Mrs. Exclusive.

He throws a look to Grace who smiles in return. The crowd
applauds.

BRUCE
This is Bruce Nolan reporting for
Eyewitness News.

The camera cuts. Bruce lowers his mic, turns to Grace.

BRUCE
So, what’d you think?

GRACE
I don’t know, I thought it was very
pleasurable.

Bruce smiles, they kiss…

As the blood drive continues, we push through the crowd,
heading somewhere. Bodies clear frame and we see the HOMELESS
MAN sitting on a park bench. His sign reads:

“THEE END”

The Homeless Man smiles into camera. We continue forward and
in a slow, mysterious, subtle fashion his face slowly
transforms into the very pleased, FACE OF GOD, who winks and
we…

CUT TO BLACK:

ROLL CREDITS

THE END

 

 

2016 University of Rochester Freshman Orientation Outing Treks